7 Conversations to Have with Aging Parents

After years of raising children and caring for the family’s needs, your parents have finally reached a point where they need a little help themselves. While it is not an easy transition, now is the time for some tough conversations about aging.

Most families find these talks difficult but with the right approach they can be productive and spare feelings. Start by identifying current health and medical needs, and research available options to address both immediate and future issues. Talking with your parents before a medical crisis occurs allows them to communicate their desires and frees family members from having to make rushed decisions during a stressful time.

Remember to listen to your parents’ concerns and respect their wishes while working together to find satisfactory solutions.

Advanced Directives and Living Wills

Written, legal instructions outlining your parents’ desires for medical care, should they become unable to make those decisions themselves, are an important part of life planning. Explain that preparing documents such as a living will and advanced directive helps ensure their wishes are carried out if the day comes when they are unable to communicate them.

• Advance directive: This document assigns medical power of attorney to an individual who will represent the wishes of your parents if their physical or mental health renders them incapable of making such decisions. It applies only to medical matters—not financial. Usually only one person is designated, although alternates may be named if the appointed person is unable to perform his duty.
• Living will: This legal document outlines an individual’s wishes concerning end-of-life treatment choices if they are unable to communicate those wishes. It covers a variety of medical decisions including cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR), breathing assistance, organ donation, dialysis, medications, tube feedings and palliative or comfort care.

Wills and Estate Planning

Estate planning involves the gathering and preparation of specific documents to determine how your parents’ assets will be managed and distributed after their deaths or incapacitation. Estate planning isn’t limited to the wealthy; even those of modest means should put in place a plan outlining how their properties and wealth are to be transferred. Your parents’ estate might include houses, cars, artwork, jewelry, investments, life insurance, businesses, bank accounts, possessions and debt. Some key components of estate planning include:

• Wills. This is a legal document used to transfer the estate to named beneficiaries. It addresses the distribution of assets and outstanding debt. It also names an executor to oversee and manage the process. If your parents don’t have a will, suggest they talk to an attorney about establishing one. If they currently have a will, it is a good idea to review and update it.
• Trusts. This is a legal entity that allows another party (trustee) the right to hold title to and manage assets or property for the benefit of a third party, or beneficiary. There are many kinds of trusts, and they should be set up by a qualified attorney or trust company.
• Secure a power of attorney. Unlike a medical power of attorney which is limited to health and medical matters, a Power of Attorney (POA) gives you the power to act on your parents’ behalf in managing financial and legal matters. There are two types of POAs to consider. A General Power of Attorney ends the moment your parents become incapacitated while a Durable Power of Attorney (DPOA) allows you to continue to act on their behalf should they become incapacitated due to a serious accident, severe medical condition or mental illness.
• Healthcare directives. An advanced health directive is a legal document outlining your parents’ healthcare wishes should they become incapacitated or unable to verbalize their preferences. It covers topics such as in-home or hospital medical treatment, life-support measures, autopsy or organ donation.
• Beneficiary designations. Consider naming primary and secondary recipients for insurance, 401(k) or additional assets not covered in a will.

Managing Finances

Conversations concerning finances and money matters are often some of the most challenging because relinquishing control of money can make seniors feel vulnerable. Still, keeping up with monthly bill paying and budgeting can be overwhelming. Elderly adults are also easy targets for scams and financial fraud. Signs you may need to step in to assist include:

• Unopened mail or bills
• Careless spending or unusual purchases
• Physical or mental changes
• Complaints of not having enough money
• Calls from creditors

Talk openly with your parents about your concerns and offer to help. They might see this as a loss of control, so be gentle in your approach. Start slowly by working together to review documents and ask about areas where they might need help. The following steps will help in understanding and managing your parents’ finances.

• Gather important documents including a list of bank accounts, pensions, 401(k) information, annuities, savings bonds, brokerage accounts, stocks, property deeds, vehicle titles and any loans or outstanding debts.
• Start small by offering support with chores such as writing checks or organizing bills.
• Streamline financial tasks. Consider using direct deposit and online bill paying. This allows adult children who don’t live close to parents to still be involved in managing finances.
• Keep your parents informed and involved along the way. Review bank statements with them and discuss any actions you take.
• Maintain separate accounts. It isn’t a good idea to combine your parents’ finances with your own.

Is It Time to Give Up the Car Keys?

When it comes to driving, it is not one size fits all. Some elderly adults are still capable behind the wheel, but if you are seeing indications driving is a safety issue, it is time to act. This might be the toughest conversation of all because giving up driving has the strongest impact on independence. Signs your parents may need to hang up the car keys include multiple traffic violations, frequent scrapes and dents, delayed response times, getting lost in familiar surroundings, repeated close calls, difficulty navigating parking and steering (hitting the curb, veering over the line) and problems with concentration.

Follow these tips for having the conversation:

• Be understanding and sympathetic. Stopping driving severely impacts lifestyle. It means a loss of freedom and can limit the time spent with others. Approach the topic respectfully and gently.
• Assess the problem. Is it necessary to give up driving completely? Maybe limiting driving to daytime hours or short distances is a good compromise. If not, calmly state the reasons for your concern and ask your parent if she has noticed changes in her own driving skills.
• Do your research. What transportation options are available? Do your parents live in an area where public transportation is easily accessible? If not, most areas have services such as Uber or Lyft. Talk with other family members and friends about helping. Could a neighbor pick up your dad for weekly grocery trips? Consider coordinating your schedules. Could you book simultaneous hair salon appointments for you and your mom? Look for senior transportation options in the community.
• Involve agencies and experts. If you feel your parent is not safe behind the wheel, yet they still resist giving up driving, consider an evaluation by an occupational therapist. Would vehicle modification such as hand pedals and safety mirrors address the problem? Ask your parents to consider a safe driving course for seniors (AAA and your local DMV may offer a class). Avoid forcing them into a decision if they are resistant. Instead, make suggestions and give them time to consider their options.