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Knowing how to console a grieving widow is not easy. I find I’d rather say nothing than say the wrong thing.
Sometimes though, words are required. Like any skill, having the right words to say at the right time takes practice and understanding of the situation. To help you prepare for an uncomfortable situation, read on empathetically. Preparing now will lessen your fear of hurting the grieving spouse or possibly ruining your relationship over saying the wrong thing and adding salt to a wound.
Often, when in public, the grieving widow or widower offers a strong front for the time being. In doing so, they often find themselves consoling those who came to comfort them. The days and weeks following the death of a loved one is the time when emotions run high and even the most well-intentioned words can be misconstrued.
It is our responsibility to be ready to support them. This is a two-part series to review phrases to avoid (Part I) and phrases that are generally safe to use (Part II). Review them, learn them. Knowing what to say in the right circumstance will set you up to provide the kindness and compassion that’s needed in that moment.
PART I – Phrases to avoid using, why you should avoid them, and alternate options to use instead
Finding the right things to say can be just as hard as it is easy to say the wrong things.
Take care not to fall for it when your loved one tells you that it’s better to say something than nothing at all. Saying the wrong thing can be damaging to your relationship. If you find that you’re uncomfortable around death and don’t know what to say, here are some examples of what not to say.
Undoubtedly, when hearing this, the widow will wholeheartedly disagree with you. To them, it may not matter that Heaven needs another angel. They’ll tell you that they need them here, or that their kids need them just as much.
A better option: “I know it must be hard without them here.”
This works because you’re acknowledging that their death has created an irreplaceable void in their lives.
A natural part of grieving is comprehending the loss. This phrase is very insensitive.
A better option: “Sometimes we’ll never understand the reasons why things happen the way they do.”
This works because it acknowledges that there’s no comprehensible reason for why their loved one had to die.
This well-intentioned question may be the breaking point for someone who really doesn’t know what they’re going to do now that their spouse has died. They may be feeling overwhelmed with what’s next and how to take care of everything on their own.
A better option: “Let’s talk about how I can help you with the next steps.”
This works because you’re offering a solution to them that will help them figure things out instead of sending them into panic mode.
This is a very insensitive and unkind thing to say to someone. They’re faced with having to move forward without the person that was supposed to be there to help them. They already know it’s going to be difficult not having them there.
A better option: “I’m sorry that they won’t be here to see the children grow up.”
This works because you’re expressing lamentation over something that is regretful in a more caring and loving way.
When you say this to someone, you imply that this is only a passing thing. Your loved one may resent how quick you are to dismiss the relationship they once shared with their spouse.
A better option: “Take all the time you need to heal from your pain and grief. I’ll be here for you.”
This works because you’re acknowledging that this is one of the most painful experiences of their life and you’ll be there to help them through it.
The last thing a widow is thinking of when they’ve just lost their spouse is going out and finding a replacement.
A better option: “You’re lucky to have found love with someone as wonderful as them. I’m truly sorry for your loss.”
This works because you’re reminding your loved one that love is difficult to find and theirs is irreplaceable.
Keep the negative comments and opinions to yourself. There is never a right time to give your take on your loved one’s choices in love, and especially not the period when they’re grieving the loss.
A better option: “I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this pain and suffering.”
This works because you’re expressing solidarity with your loved one in their pain and suffering without any negative feedback.
This is a selfish way of saying to your friend that you love and support them through their loss.
A better option: “I’ll be here for you through thick and thin.”
This works because you’re able to get the same point across without celebrating the fact that your loved one is now free to spend more time with you.
It can be highly offensive to a bereaved widow when you say that you can relate to what they’re going through. Even if you’ve also been widowed and have experienced this type of loss, it can be hurtful when you compare their pain to yours.
A better option: “It must be very difficult for you right now. I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”
This works because you’re recognizing that it’s not easy losing their spouse without making this about you and what you went through.
Knowing what NOT to say to a grieving spouse is a good primer (especially now that you have decent alternatives). Be sure to read next week’s article Consoling a Grieving Spouse Part II, which will outline more phrases that generally work well to comfort, and why they’re good.
When facing the loss of a spouse it’s important for the surviving spouse to have a support team around them. After the initial shock has subsided, the time comes when taking action on what’s next is imperative. Having support partners like a well-trained and compassionate Estate Attorney, Financial Planner and Real Estate Agent can make a huge difference. If you would like recommendations on local Bradenton|Sarasota area Estate Attorneys, Financial Planners or Grief Counselors, please email me at [email protected] Jude Creamer, Broker Associate, HomeSmart, specializing in facilitating real estate transactions for people in life transitions.
A special thanks to www.JoinCake.com for the guidance contained in this article.
What Happens When You Call Hospice? Understanding the Hospice Admission ProcessCalling hospice for the first time can feel intimidating.Families often don't know what questions to ask or what happens after they make the call.Understanding the process can make the decision feel much less overwhelming.Step One: Make the CallThe hospice process generally begins with a phone call.You don't have to have all the answers before calling.Doctors Hospice of Idaho explains that referrals and questions can come from physicians, nurses, caregivers, patients, family members, friends, or neighbors. The purpose of the first conversation is to understand the situation and determine what questions need to be answered.Step Two: An Evaluation Takes PlaceAfter a referral, members of the hospice team meet with the patient and family.Doctors Hospice of Idaho explains that a registered nurse and social worker may visit the patient and family to evaluate the situation, explain hospice services, answer questions, and address concerns. The treating physician is also involved in verifying that hospice is appropriate. Step Three: The Family Gets AnswersThis is an important part of the process.Families can ask questions such as:What services does hospice provide?Where can hospice care take place?Who will be part of the hospice team?What happens if symptoms change?How does hospice support caregivers?What does hospice cost?Will insurance cover hospice?There are no "silly" questions when you're making decisions about someone's care.Step Four: A Care Plan Is DevelopedHospice care is individualized.The team works with the patient, family, and physicians to develop a plan that addresses the patient's needs and preferences.Doctors Hospice of Idaho emphasizes patient choice and family involvement in care and decision-making. How Quickly Can Hospice Begin?Families sometimes assume hospice admission takes days or weeks.Doctors Hospice of Idaho states that hospice services can generally begin within approximately four hours after referral when hospice is determined to be appropriate. The organization also describes an urgent admission option for critical situations, with a hospice team member able to respond within approximately two hours after receiving a physician's order. Because individual circumstances vary, families should contact the hospice directly to understand what can be provided in their particular situation.What If We're Already in a Crisis?Don't assume it's too late to call.Doctors Hospice of Idaho specifically emphasizes that hospice remains an option even when a family finds itself in an urgent or unexpected situation. Sometimes hospice involvement begins very close to the end of life.Even then, the hospice team can focus on comfort, symptom management, and supporting the family.Calling Hospice Doesn't Mean You Have to Know EverythingPerhaps the most important thing families should know is that they don't have to navigate the process alone.If you're wondering whether hospice is appropriate, ask questions.A conversation with a hospice professional can help you understand eligibility, services, care options, and what the next steps might look like. Doctors Hospice of Idaho is available to help families understand hospice and make informed decisions.
Hospice Is More Than End-of-Life Care: Supporting Patients and FamiliesWhen people hear the word "hospice," they often immediately think about death.While hospice does provide end-of-life care, that definition doesn't capture the entire purpose of hospice.Hospice is also about livingliving as comfortably, meaningfully, and intentionally as possible during an especially important chapter of life.Hospice Focuses on the Person, Not Just the DiagnosisA serious illness can affect every part of someone's life.Physical symptoms are only one piece of the picture.A patient may also experience: Fear Anxiety Loneliness Spiritual concerns Family stress Financial concerns Changes in independence Difficulty communicating wishes Concerns about unfinished business Doctors Hospice of Idaho describes hospice as a holistic approach that addresses physical, emotional, practical, and spiritual needs. The Hospice TeamOne of the most valuable aspects of hospice is the team approach.At Doctors Hospice of Idaho, patients and families can receive support from an interdisciplinary team that includes physicians, nurses, social workers, chaplains, home health aides, volunteers, and bereavement professionals. This allows different professionals to focus on different aspects of care.Hospice Supports Caregivers, TooFamily caregivers often put their own needs aside.They may spend months or even years helping a spouse, parent, or other loved one with medications, meals, transportation, bathing, appointments, and household responsibilities.Eventually, caregiver exhaustion can become significant.Hospice can provide education, support, personal care assistance, social and emotional resources, and respite through appropriate services.This doesn't mean the family is stepping away.It means the family doesn't have to carry the entire responsibility alone.Spiritual and Emotional SupportEnd-of-life experiences can raise profound questions.Patients and families may think about faith, relationships, forgiveness, memories, regrets, legacy, and what comes next.Hospice chaplains can provide spiritual support based on the individual's preferences and beliefs.Social workers can help with emotional and practical concerns.This whole-person approach is an important part of hospice care. Hospice Can Help Families Make MemoriesSometimes families become so focused on managing an illness that they forget to simply be together.Hospice can help shift some of that focus.Instead of every conversation being about medications, appointments, or symptoms, families may have more opportunity to talk, reminisce, laugh, listen to music, look through photographs, or simply spend time together.Those moments can become lasting memories.Hospice Continues Supporting Families After a LossThe relationship doesn't necessarily end when the patient dies.Doctors Hospice of Idaho provides bereavement support for families following a loss, including grief counseling and resources. Its bereavement program maintains contact with families for up to 13 months after the patient's death. Grief is different for everyone.Having compassionate support can help families understand that their emotions are a normal part of the grieving process.Hospice Is About Quality of LifeHospice does not erase the difficulty of a serious illness.But it can help patients and families navigate that difficult time with greater support.At Doctors Hospice of Idaho, the goal is to honor patient choices while providing compassionate care with dignity and respect. Hospice is about caring for the whole personand the people who love them.
Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is serious but can be treated(RxWiki News) When the temperature and the time change, a type of depression called seasonal affective disorder (SAD) sets in for many people. But you don't have to wait for the summer to stop feeling SAD.Read on to learn more about SAD and what you can do about it.What Is SAD?Seasonal affective disorder is a type of depression. It recurs with a seasonal pattern that typically begins when the fall and winter months set in. By the time the warmer months of spring and summer roll around, symptoms of SAD tend to subside.This disorder tends to affect people who live farther away from the equator and those who have a family or personal history of depression.SAD is not simply the "winter blues." It is a mental health condition that can have serious effects on people who have it.How Do I Know if I Have SAD?If you typically feel depressed when the temperatures drop and the days get shorter, you may have SAD. Here are some SAD symptoms to watch for, according to the Mayo Clinic: Feeling worthless, guilty or hopeless Feeling depressed for most of the day on most days Having trouble concentrating Losing interest in things and activities you once enjoyed Feeling agitated or sluggish Having trouble sleeping Having changes in your weight or appetite Thinking about suicide or death frequently (Seek immediate medical care if you are experiencing this symptom.) If you are having any of the above symptoms, reach out to your health care provider to discuss your condition and possible treatments.What Are the Treatments for SAD?SAD affects countless people around the world every year. Fortunately, there are effective treatments for this disorder.Possible treatments for SAD include the following, according to the National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health: Medications Medications that are used to treat general depression may be used to treat SAD. These include antidepressants like bupropion and selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). Psychotherapy A type of cognitive behavioral therapy adapted for SAD treatment is sometimes used. This therapy seeks to change and challenge unhelpful thoughts and behaviors. Light therapy In light therapy, bright artificial light is used in sessions in order to replace the sunlight exposure lost when the winter months set in. Dietary supplements Vitamin D supplementation is sometimes used in SAD treatment, although dietary supplements have not been thoroughly studied as treatments for this condition. Many people with SAD also have low levels of vitamin D, which is produced through exposure to sunlight. Talk to your health care provider about which SAD treatment will work best for you or your loved one.