Estranged Adult Children: Understanding and Healing Relationships

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Talkspace

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Mar 14, 2025

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Florida - Southwest

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Being parents of estranged adult children​ can be excruciating. Estrangement is an emotionally complex, deeply personal issue…and it’s not all that uncommon in parent-adult child relationships. Kids often struggle with maintaining a connection as they grow into adulthood. A recent study found that while anyone can become estranged from a family member, the largest group known to sever ties is children and parents — so if you’re currently estranged from your child, know that you’re not alone. 

During estrangement, communication breaks down, and silence, distance, and tension build. These barriers affect both the child and the parent, leading to emotional hurt. Though every relationship is unique, there are some common causes for children to become estranged from their parents—like miscommunication, unresolved conflict, betrayal of trust, unmet emotional needs, abusive behavior, resentments, or differing values and lifestyles. 

Most of the time, estrangement doesn’t stem from a singular issue or situation. It’s the culmination of events and interactions over years — sometimes decades — that come to a head. Whatever the reason, it can take an emotional toll on parents, causing lasting emotional scars. Looking at the root causes is essential for reconciling or overcoming the distance. Keep reading to learn more about adult-child estrangement.

The Emotional Impact of Estrangement

Parents of estranged adult children​ tend to go through a range of emotions after a child cuts ties. While you might not feel personally responsible for the separation, you can use this time as an opportunity for personal reflection and to learn what, if any, part you played in fracturing the relationship with your son or daughter. 

Even if you don’t feel at fault, estrangement can trigger feelings of:

  • Grief: Just like when a loved one passes away, we grieve and mourn the loss of a relationship with a child.
  • Guilt: Estrangement can cause intense feelings of guilt as parents reflect on past choices and wonder if their words or actions caused the separation. 
  • Confusion: It’s common for parents to struggle to understand what went wrong and what they could have done differently. 
  • Shame: Embarrassment and shame are normal reactions when dealing with an estranged adult child. Society often blames the parents, which can cause isolation and self-doubt. 

Understanding Your Child’s Perspective

If your child hasn’t yet expressed the reasons for their distance, you might be left wondering why your adult kids don’t want to be around you. Consider asking about and listening to their experience to gain a better understanding. It can be a challenge, but trying to understand your child’s perspective is helpful. Acknowledging their feelings is a step in the right direction — empathy and compassion might be the exact thing they’ve been searching for. 

Some adult children decide to break ties with their parents because of:

  • Unresolved anger or disappointment: Unmet emotional or physical needs during childhood — whether perceived or real — can resurface as children become adults. If your child hasn’t dealt with those feelings, it might lead to estrangement.
  • Feelings of betrayal: Harmful actions, words, and behavior patterns can cause adult children to distance themselves from toxic parents. As they become more self-aware and build confidence, they know what they deserve in a relationship.
  • A need for independence: Estrangement can finally allow adult children to create boundaries and find autonomy.

Common causes of estrangement

Every family dynamic and situation is unique, but there are several known contributors to an adult-child estrangement.  

Examples of what might cause an estrangement:

  • Criticism or lack of support: Some adult children feel like they’re being judged. A lack of support or feeling unheard in the relationship can fracture the parent-child bond and lead to estrangement from the family.
  • Different or conflicting values or lifestyles: Generational differences that cause parents to not accept a child’s lifestyle, belief system, or values can cause friction in the relationship.
  • Unresolved family drama: Conflict happens in every family at some point, but long-standing arguments or disagreements that don’t get resolved are damaging.
  • Past trauma or abuse: Undealt past trauma or emotional, verbal, or physical abuse can cause adult children to put up boundaries with their parents, sometimes to the point of becoming estranged.
  • Boundary violations: Boundaries in adult child-parent relationships are generally healthy, so if a parent oversteps and doesn’t respect them, the child may cut off contact.
  • Mental health issues: Unaddressed mental health challenges can strain any relationship.
  • Divorce or remarriage: Divorce is rarely easy. The introduction of step-parents or new family dynamics can deepen existing rifts and lead to, or further, estrangement. Young kids may encounter challenges adapting to these new changes, potentially developing emotional scars in their adulthood.

Steps for Healing Estranged Relationships

In many cases, it is possible for mom and dads to recover from an estranged relationship. One study found that most estrangements resolve — 81% of child-mother and 69% of child-father estrangements heal. It takes work, and both sides must be willing to put in time and effort, but with patience, vulnerability, and dedication, you may be able to heal the relationship. 

Reflect on your role

It’s important to honestly evaluate your behavior and role in relationships. Reflect on how your role as a parent has influenced your child’s feelings. When you become self-aware, you’re more equipped to approach the relationship with empathy and understanding. Addressing how your words may have hurt your children can be a pivotal step.

Try asking yourself questions like:

  • Do I validate my child’s feelings and experiences?
  • Do I respect the boundaries they put in place?
  • Have I ever unintentionally (or intentionally) dismissed their needs or emotions?
  • In what ways have my actions impacted their decision to put distance in our relationship?
  • Do I offer sincere apologies when I am wrong?

Reach out with empathy and openness

When reaching out to an estranged daughter or son, use active listening practices (like “I” statements) and openly validate their feelings. Don’t be defensive; instead, share that you want to understand their perspective.

“Estrangement can be a profoundly painful experience, leaving individuals feeling lost and unsupported. It’s essential to approach it with empathy and self-compassion. Prioritize your emotional well-being by seeking support and reflecting on the dynamics that led to the estrangement. Focus on healing, setting boundaries, and nurturing relationships that align with your values. If reconciliation is desired, it requires time and mutual effort but your feelings and growth matter most. You deserve connection and peace, even in the face of difficult family dynamics.”

  Talkspace therapist Dr. Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-S

To avoid judgment or blame, use empathetic language like:

  • I want to understand how you’re feeling and explore what led to the distance in our relationship.
  • I’m genuinely sorry if my actions or words ever hurt you. Please believe that I want to work on healing our relationship — I am willing to do whatever it takes.
  • Your feelings are very valid, and I want to listen and understand.

Establish healthy boundaries for both sides

For parents of estranged adult children, it can be tempting to see all boundaries as “bad”—but they can be healthy. Boundaries help establish a healthy relationship dynamic, where both parties feel respected and heard. They’re often a necessary part of rebuilding after a period of estrangement. 

You might agree on boundaries around:

  • How often you’ll communicate
  • How you will communicate
  • Avoiding triggers for each other
  • Respecting privacy

Consider professional help for healing

Sometimes, even if both parties want to heal the relationship, professional intervention is necessary. Family estrangement is a deeply emotional issue, and a licensed therapist can help you and your adult child navigate tough conversations in productive ways. You’ll both benefit from effective communication tools and guidance on resolving past grievances.

Practice patience and allow time for healing

Even if the estrangement period has been short, healing doesn’t happen overnight. This journey may be long, but with hope and care, relationships can mend. It’s important to be patient and understand that repairing a relationship is a process, and rebuilding trust will take time. Ensuring the best outcomes requires ongoing care and attention.  Put in consistent effort and stay dedicated to honest communication and mutual respect as you create a new foundation for your relationship.

Managing Expectations About Reconciliations

While your goal might be complete reconciliation, setting healthy and realistic expectations is essential. Even if it can’t be fully repaired, you might be able to create new, healthy, respectful dynamics. 

“I encourage parents facing estrangement to focus on self-reflection and acceptance. It’s important to honor your child’s decision, even if it’s painful, by respecting their boundaries and perspective. Take time to process your emotions with a trusted therapist or support group, and consider writing a letter whether you send it or not to express your feelings and hopes in a non-confrontational way. Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up; it means finding peace within yourself and creating space for healing, however that may unfold.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-S

Whatever happens in the future, finding peace and acceptance is essential for your emotional well-being and mental stability. Take it step-by-step, day-by-day, and celebrate any progress you make, even if it feels small. Remember, involving your friends can provide you with additional support.  

Seeking Professional Support for Healing and Guidance

Healing from adult-child estrangement can be an emotional journey that’s too much to take on by yourself. Professional guidance from a qualified therapist can help you understand and process what’s happened in the relationship. They’ll help you reflect on your role and the part you played so you can grow and change. Therapy also teaches effective communication skills that can help you reconnect with your estranged adult child. You’ll learn how to set and maintain healthy boundaries and, most importantly, work towards accepting the state of your relationship. 

Whether you want to repair an estranged relationship with your child or you need help coping with the pain, Talkspace offers accessible, convenient online therapy for people at any stage of life so you can start healing at your own pace and comfort level. Get started with personalized online therapy from Talkspace today to rebuild your life and relationship with an estranged child. 

Sources:

  1. Pillemer: Family estrangement a problem ‘hiding in plain sight’ | Cornell Chronicle. Cornell Chronicle. September 10, 2020. https://news.cornell.edu/stories/2020/09/pillemer-family-estrangement-problem-hiding-plain-sight. Accessed December 15, 2024. 
  2. Reczek R, Stacey L, Thomeer MB. Parent–adult child estrangement in the United States by gender, race/ethnicity, and sexuality. Journal of Marriage and Family. 2022;85(2):494-517. doi:10.1111/jomf.12898. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/jomf.12898. Accessed December 15, 2024. 

Talkspace articles are written by experienced mental health-wellness contributors; they are grounded in scientific research and evidence-based practices. Articles are extensively reviewed by our team of clinical experts (therapists and psychiatrists of various specialties) to ensure content is accurate and on par with current industry standards.

Our goal at Talkspace is to provide the most up-to-date, valuable, and objective information on mental health-related topics in order to help readers make informed decisions.

Articles contain trusted third-party sources that are either directly linked to in the text or listed at the bottom to take readers directly to the source.

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This is very common in women veterans, along with male veterans.Depression or anxiety: Since PTSD symptoms in women tend to be more internalized, it makes sense that theyd experience more depression and anxiety related to their condition, as both of these are internalizing disorders.Hyperarousal: Research shows that women in the military who develop PTSD symptoms have higher scores on measures of hyperarousal than men do. Hyperarousal involves a heightened or intense state of awareness. It can result in hypervigilance, anxiety, sleep difficulties, irritability, difficulty concentrating, or panic attacks. Notably, hyperarousal is a common symptom of PTSD in the workplace; women with PTSD might fixate on trying to control their hypervigilance and struggle with the tasks theyre responsible for.Emotional numbness: Emotional numbness is yet another common PTSD symptom. It includes shutting down any feeling that might be distressing or overwhelming. It can result in a sense of detachment from others, a loss of interest in things once enjoyed, a lack of emotion, difficulty having any sort of positivity, or social isolation. Ultimately, emotional numbness is a way to avoid very painful thoughts or memories that are related to the trauma experienced.Startle response: Women with PTSD can more easily become startled than men might. Startle response is due to the body having a physical reaction to perceived or real fear. A heightened response to an intense stimulus is more evident in PTSD in women.Online therapy for PTSDGet treatment for PTSD with a trauma-informed therapist. Start therapy in days.Get startedCommon Causes of PTSD in WomenAny traumatic experience can result in PTSD. Events or experiences that are dangerous, life-threatening or violent tend to be more triggering. Common examples of causes of PTSD in women can include:CombatOther military experiencesSexual assaultPhysical assaultDomestic violenceChild sexual abuseChild physical abuseWitnessing a traumatic eventLearning about violent death, injury, or accident of a loved oneVery serious accidents like car wrecks or traumatic fallsTerrorist attacksNatural disasters like tornadoes, fires, hurricanes, earthquakes, or floodsWitnessing effects of a violent or terrible eventHow to Manage PTSD in WomenSince signs of PTSD in women are different than they are for men, its important to understand how to manage PTSD, specifically when were talking about women. Treatment options for PTSD can involve counseling or therapy, medication, or a combination of the two.Effective treatment for PTSD can include:Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): Cognitive behavioral therapy is a type of psychotherapy (also known as talk therapy). During sessions of CBT for PTSD, you try to identify the thoughts, behaviors, and feelings that may be interfering in daily life. It helps you develop a healthier thought process and patterns.Cognitive processing therapy (CPT): Cognitive processing therapy is a type of CBT that was specifically developed to treat PTSD. It lets you identify and then change thought patterns related to the original trauma that are upsetting or triggering, so you can confront your trauma and negative thoughts in a healthier way.Prolonged exposure therapy (PET): Prolonged exposure therapy (PET) is another form of talk therapy that helps you slowly and methodically remember a traumatic event. Over time, youll be able to confront your trauma and ideally become less sensitive to triggers.Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy: EMDR therapy is also used to treat PTSD. During an EMDR therapy session, youll be asked to recall your trauma and talk about it as you hone in on a specific visual. Sometimes rather than looking at something, you may listen repeatedly to a certain sound, such as a repetitive beeping noise.PTSD Medication: Another treatment option is medication. There are several medications to help treat PTSD symptoms, including anti-anxiety meds and different types of antidepressants. Most often, to get the most benefit, medication is used in combination with therapy.Expert InsightMany women, especially women of Color, are told they can handle any crisis because they are strong. This can be very shaming and not helpful. By providing permission to have their feelings and negative thoughts, it validates their experience and creates a path to feeling that treatment is a viable option.Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), DDKarmen SmithFinding PTSD Treatment for WomenWhile stress or anxiety after a traumatic event is normal, if it continues for a long period of time, doesnt begin to fade within a few weeks or months, or begins interfering in daily life, it might be time to consider treatment.Treatment for PTSD can last weeks, months, or even years. Its important to figure out what will work best for you because effective PTSD treatment can look different for every woman. In addition to therapy and medication, support groups and networks are also great coping mechanisms that can help.Finally, there are self-help techniques that can be very useful in treating the symptoms of PTSD. Research has suggested that some forms of creative therapy like music-instruction programs can also be effective for PTSD.Some women have found the following to be helpful in managing their PTSD:YogaMindful meditationExerciseSetting (and enforcing) boundariesTai chiJournaling for mental healthGetting a service dogCreative outlets like gardening, painting, music, or writingExpert InsightTreatment can include bodywork such as yoga, tai chi, or aqua aerobics. We know that stress can stay in the body and needs its own therapy along with cognitive behavioral or exposure therapies.Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), DDKarmen SmithIf you or a loved one has PTSD, its important that you seek out treatment to manage it and talk with a mental health professional. With the right therapy and work, you can move past the trauma you experienced so you can get back to living a healthy and rewarding life, free from the memories that may be haunting you today. Start by learning more with a self PTSD test.See ReferencesWomen who experience trauma are twice as likely as men to develop PTSD. Heres whyFacts About Women and Trauma. Published 2017. Accessed October 29, 2021.PTSD Checklist Civilian Version (PCL-C).PTSD Checklist Civilian Version (PCL-C). Weathers, Litz, Huska, & Keane National Center for PTSD - Behavioral Science Division; 2003:1. Accessed October 29, 2021.Gender differences in the expression of PTSD symptoms among active duty military personnelHourani L, Williams J, Bray R, Kandel D. Gender differences in the expression of PTSD symptoms among active duty military personnel. J Anxiety Disord. 2015;29:101-108. doi:10.1016/j.janxdis.2014.11.007. Accessed October 29, 2021.Post-Traumatic Stress DisorderNIMH Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Nimh.nih.gov. Published 2019. Accessed October 29, 2021.Post-traumatic stress disorderBisson J, Cosgrove S, Lewis C, Roberts N. Post-traumatic stress disorder. BMJ. 2015:h6161. doi:10.1136/bmj.h6161. October 29, 2021.Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Treatment of PTSD. Published 2017. Accessed October 29, 2021.Music-instruction intervention for treatment of post-traumatic stress disorder: a randomized pilot studyPezzin L, Larson E, Lorber W, McGinley E, Dillingham T. Music-instruction intervention for treatment of post-traumatic stress disorder: a randomized pilot study. BMC Psychol. 2018;6(1). doi:10.1186/s40359-018-0274-8. Accessed October 29, 2021.Karmen SmithDr. Karmen Smith is a board-certified Clinical Social Worker in the state of Nevada. She has worked over 20 years for Clark County Family Services with abused and neglected children in the shelter, adolescents in juvenile detention, and adults who have suffered severe trauma. Dr. Smith is a shamanic teacher and minister of metaphysics and her doctorate is in Pastoral Counseling.

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