Estranged Adult Children: Understanding and Healing Relationships

Being parents of estranged adult children​ can be excruciating. Estrangement is an emotionally complex, deeply personal issue…and it’s not all that uncommon in parent-adult child relationships. Kids often struggle with maintaining a connection as they grow into adulthood. A recent study found that while anyone can become estranged from a family member, the largest group known to sever ties is children and parents — so if you’re currently estranged from your child, know that you’re not alone. 

During estrangement, communication breaks down, and silence, distance, and tension build. These barriers affect both the child and the parent, leading to emotional hurt. Though every relationship is unique, there are some common causes for children to become estranged from their parents—like miscommunication, unresolved conflict, betrayal of trust, unmet emotional needs, abusive behavior, resentments, or differing values and lifestyles. 

Most of the time, estrangement doesn’t stem from a singular issue or situation. It’s the culmination of events and interactions over years — sometimes decades — that come to a head. Whatever the reason, it can take an emotional toll on parents, causing lasting emotional scars. Looking at the root causes is essential for reconciling or overcoming the distance. Keep reading to learn more about adult-child estrangement.

The Emotional Impact of Estrangement

Parents of estranged adult children​ tend to go through a range of emotions after a child cuts ties. While you might not feel personally responsible for the separation, you can use this time as an opportunity for personal reflection and to learn what, if any, part you played in fracturing the relationship with your son or daughter. 

Even if you don’t feel at fault, estrangement can trigger feelings of:

• Grief: Just like when a loved one passes away, we grieve and mourn the loss of a relationship with a child.
• Guilt: Estrangement can cause intense feelings of guilt as parents reflect on past choices and wonder if their words or actions caused the separation. 
• Confusion: It’s common for parents to struggle to understand what went wrong and what they could have done differently. 
• Shame: Embarrassment and shame are normal reactions when dealing with an estranged adult child. Society often blames the parents, which can cause isolation and self-doubt. 

Understanding Your Child’s Perspective

If your child hasn’t yet expressed the reasons for their distance, you might be left wondering why your adult kids don’t want to be around you. Consider asking about and listening to their experience to gain a better understanding. It can be a challenge, but trying to understand your child’s perspective is helpful. Acknowledging their feelings is a step in the right direction — empathy and compassion might be the exact thing they’ve been searching for. 

Some adult children decide to break ties with their parents because of:

• Unresolved anger or disappointment: Unmet emotional or physical needs during childhood — whether perceived or real — can resurface as children become adults. If your child hasn’t dealt with those feelings, it might lead to estrangement.
• Feelings of betrayal: Harmful actions, words, and behavior patterns can cause adult children to distance themselves from toxic parents. As they become more self-aware and build confidence, they know what they deserve in a relationship.
• A need for independence: Estrangement can finally allow adult children to create boundaries and find autonomy.

Common causes of estrangement

Every family dynamic and situation is unique, but there are several known contributors to an adult-child estrangement.  

Examples of what might cause an estrangement:

• Criticism or lack of support: Some adult children feel like they’re being judged. A lack of support or feeling unheard in the relationship can fracture the parent-child bond and lead to estrangement from the family.
• Different or conflicting values or lifestyles: Generational differences that cause parents to not accept a child’s lifestyle, belief system, or values can cause friction in the relationship.
• Unresolved family drama: Conflict happens in every family at some point, but long-standing arguments or disagreements that don’t get resolved are damaging.
• Past trauma or abuse: Undealt past trauma or emotional, verbal, or physical abuse can cause adult children to put up boundaries with their parents, sometimes to the point of becoming estranged.
• Boundary violations: Boundaries in adult child-parent relationships are generally healthy, so if a parent oversteps and doesn’t respect them, the child may cut off contact.
• Mental health issues: Unaddressed mental health challenges can strain any relationship.
• Divorce or remarriage: Divorce is rarely easy. The introduction of step-parents or new family dynamics can deepen existing rifts and lead to, or further, estrangement. Young kids may encounter challenges adapting to these new changes, potentially developing emotional scars in their adulthood.

Steps for Healing Estranged Relationships

In many cases, it is possible for mom and dads to recover from an estranged relationship. One study found that most estrangements resolve — 81% of child-mother and 69% of child-father estrangements heal. It takes work, and both sides must be willing to put in time and effort, but with patience, vulnerability, and dedication, you may be able to heal the relationship. 

Reflect on your role

It’s important to honestly evaluate your behavior and role in relationships. Reflect on how your role as a parent has influenced your child’s feelings. When you become self-aware, you’re more equipped to approach the relationship with empathy and understanding. Addressing how your words may have hurt your children can be a pivotal step.

Try asking yourself questions like:

• Do I validate my child’s feelings and experiences?
• Do I respect the boundaries they put in place?
• Have I ever unintentionally (or intentionally) dismissed their needs or emotions?
• In what ways have my actions impacted their decision to put distance in our relationship?
• Do I offer sincere apologies when I am wrong?

Reach out with empathy and openness

When reaching out to an estranged daughter or son, use active listening practices (like “I” statements) and openly validate their feelings. Don’t be defensive; instead, share that you want to understand their perspective.

“Estrangement can be a profoundly painful experience, leaving individuals feeling lost and unsupported. It’s essential to approach it with empathy and self-compassion. Prioritize your emotional well-being by seeking support and reflecting on the dynamics that led to the estrangement. Focus on healing, setting boundaries, and nurturing relationships that align with your values. If reconciliation is desired, it requires time and mutual effort but your feelings and growth matter most. You deserve connection and peace, even in the face of difficult family dynamics.”

  Talkspace therapist Dr. Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-S

To avoid judgment or blame, use empathetic language like:

• I want to understand how you’re feeling and explore what led to the distance in our relationship.
• I’m genuinely sorry if my actions or words ever hurt you. Please believe that I want to work on healing our relationship — I am willing to do whatever it takes.
• Your feelings are very valid, and I want to listen and understand.

Establish healthy boundaries for both sides

For parents of estranged adult children, it can be tempting to see all boundaries as “bad”—but they can be healthy. Boundaries help establish a healthy relationship dynamic, where both parties feel respected and heard. They’re often a necessary part of rebuilding after a period of estrangement. 

You might agree on boundaries around:

• How often you’ll communicate
• How you will communicate
• Avoiding triggers for each other
• Respecting privacy

Consider professional help for healing

Sometimes, even if both parties want to heal the relationship, professional intervention is necessary. Family estrangement is a deeply emotional issue, and a licensed therapist can help you and your adult child navigate tough conversations in productive ways. You’ll both benefit from effective communication tools and guidance on resolving past grievances.

Practice patience and allow time for healing

Even if the estrangement period has been short, healing doesn’t happen overnight. This journey may be long, but with hope and care, relationships can mend. It’s important to be patient and understand that repairing a relationship is a process, and rebuilding trust will take time. Ensuring the best outcomes requires ongoing care and attention.  Put in consistent effort and stay dedicated to honest communication and mutual respect as you create a new foundation for your relationship.

Managing Expectations About Reconciliations

While your goal might be complete reconciliation, setting healthy and realistic expectations is essential. Even if it can’t be fully repaired, you might be able to create new, healthy, respectful dynamics. 

“I encourage parents facing estrangement to focus on self-reflection and acceptance. It’s important to honor your child’s decision, even if it’s painful, by respecting their boundaries and perspective. Take time to process your emotions with a trusted therapist or support group, and consider writing a letter whether you send it or not to express your feelings and hopes in a non-confrontational way. Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up; it means finding peace within yourself and creating space for healing, however that may unfold.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-S

Whatever happens in the future, finding peace and acceptance is essential for your emotional well-being and mental stability. Take it step-by-step, day-by-day, and celebrate any progress you make, even if it feels small. Remember, involving your friends can provide you with additional support.  

Seeking Professional Support for Healing and Guidance

Healing from adult-child estrangement can be an emotional journey that’s too much to take on by yourself. Professional guidance from a qualified therapist can help you understand and process what’s happened in the relationship. They’ll help you reflect on your role and the part you played so you can grow and change. Therapy also teaches effective communication skills that can help you reconnect with your estranged adult child. You’ll learn how to set and maintain healthy boundaries and, most importantly, work towards accepting the state of your relationship. 

Whether you want to repair an estranged relationship with your child or you need help coping with the pain, Talkspace offers accessible, convenient online therapy for people at any stage of life so you can start healing at your own pace and comfort level. Get started with personalized online therapy from Talkspace today to rebuild your life and relationship with an estranged child.