I Love Someone with Dementia, So Why Am I Losing MY Mind?  

Author

Oasis Senior Advisors

For more information about the author, click to view their website: Oasis Senior Advisors

Posted on

Apr 23, 2020

share-this
Share This

If you have, or suspect you have a loved one with dementia, you probably know the feeling. You feel like you are losing your mind, or certainly your peace of mind. I want to affirm those feelings, as well as validate those who have suspicions about a loved one that may have dementia. You're not judging someone if you suspect they have dementia or any other recognized condition or inability that is beginning to take its toll on you, or certainly them. You're actually taking the first step in helping them and the whole family.

My own mother has had dementia for over 11 years. It's hard to say exactly when it started. But it certainly became noticeable when my dad passed away 11 years ago. Given that he was suffering from cancer, the focus at the time was understandably on him. But once he passed, it was clear that my mom had classic signs of dementia. The only problem was, neither me nor my siblings saw it clearly before my dad's passing. Like most siblings, we had our own things to deal with. I was living in another state. And my older siblings in Nebraska had their own set of issues with which they were dealing. I wish we had known and acted sooner.

I joined Oasis Senior Advisors as a result of having placed my own mother in a memory care community through Oasis in Lincoln, Nebraska. I dont know what our family would have done had it not been for the reassuring guidance and counsel of Beth Friesen, our Oasis Senior Advisor. Beth has since written a great practical guide that Id like to offer free and without obligation to anyone who is dealing with loved ones with dementia. Just send me an email.
If youre dealing with a loved one with dementia or any condition that is taking a toll on you, I encourage you to reach out for support and guidance to a certified senior advisor. Don't walk this journey alone.

Editor's Note: This article was submitted by Randy Bulow, CSA, the owner of Oasis Senior Advisors, North Metro Denver. He can be reached at 720-822-9525 or by email [email protected]

Other Articles You May Like

Memory Care in Mobile, AL

It often starts small. A parent repeats the same question three times in an hour. A spouse gets lost driving a route they have known for decades. Over time, the worry grows, and so does the exhaustion that comes with trying to keep someone safe around the clock. If you are a family member facing Alzheimers disease or another form of dementia, you may be wondering whether home care is still enough, and what a good alternative would look like.This guide explains what memory care is, who it is for, and how to begin the search in Mobile. It also profiles two memory care communities, Kauhale Heritage Woods and Kauhale Port City, so you can see what each offers and know what to ask when you call.What Is Memory Care?Memory care is a form of residential senior living designed for people with Alzheimers disease, other forms of dementia, and significant memory loss. Residents typically have a private or shared apartment, meals, help with daily activities, medication support, and round-the-clock staff. What sets memory care apart is the environment and the training. Layouts are designed to be easy to navigate and secure, routines are consistent to reduce confusion and anxiety, and activities are chosen to engage people at their current abilities.Who Is Memory Care For?Memory care is generally a good fit when a loved one needs more supervision and support than home or standard assisted living can provide. Common signs include: Wandering, getting lost, or leaving the house at unsafe times Increasing confusion about time, place, or familiar people Difficulty with bathing, dressing, eating, or taking medications safely Sleep changes, agitation, or evening restlessness A family caregiver who is exhausted, isolated, or struggling with their own health Memory Care vs. Assisted LivingAssisted living supports people who need help with daily tasks but can still manage most of the day on their own. Memory care adds secure spaces, staff trained in dementia care, and programming built around memory loss. Many communities offer both on one campus, which can help if a residents needs change over time. Both communities featured below offer assisted living and memory care.What to Look For Staff training in dementia care and clear staffing levels, including overnight A secure, comfortable layout that supports independence while keeping residents safe Daily activities that match different stages of memory loss Dining that supports good nutrition and is flexible when appetite or abilities change A clear plan for when care needs increase Transparent pricing, including what is and is not included in the monthly fee Memory Care Communities in Mobile, ALThe two communities below are both part of Kauhale Health and both offer assisted living and memory care in the Mobile area. They are located on different sides of the city, so location, apartment style, and the feel of each community may help guide your decision.Kauhale Heritage WoodsPhone: 251-665-9063 Address: 3440 Hillcrest Rd, Mobile, AL 36695Kauhale Heritage Woods is an assisted living and memory care community on Hillcrest Road in west Mobile. The community offers both private and shared apartments, which gives families flexibility in how they plan for comfort and budget. Online listings may also show the community under its earlier names, including SummerHouse Heritage Woods, so do not be surprised if you see more than one name in your research.The memory care program at Heritage Woods is built for people living with Alzheimers disease and other forms of dementia. The communitys photos show a welcoming lobby, comfortable common areas, a dining room, and an exercise room with seating, along with accessible bathrooms that include grab bars. These touches matter in memory care, where familiar, uncluttered, easy-to-use spaces help residents feel at ease.Because Heritage Woods offers assisted living and memory care in one place, it can be a practical choice for families who want a single community to grow with a loved one, or for couples whose needs differ.Good to know about Kauhale Heritage Woods Assisted living and memory care in one community Private and shared apartment options Memory care program for Alzheimers disease and other dementias Located in the Hillcrest Road area of west Mobile Tip: Ask how the memory care area is set up, how staffing changes overnight, and what happens if a resident moves from assisted living to memory care.Kauhale Port CityPhone: 251-380-0053 Address: 4720 Morrison Dr, Mobile, AL 36609Kauhale Port City provides assisted living and memory care in a homelike setting on Morrison Drive. The community is near local shops, parks, and medical centers, which can make everyday visits easier for family members and help with appointments. Port City joined the Kauhale Health family after a change in management, and the community describes its focus as dignity, independence, and safety.The memory care program at Port City is designed for residents with Alzheimers disease and other forms of dementia, with personalized care for each person. Residents can also get help with personal care tasks, and the community offers respite stays, which are short-term stays that give family caregivers a break or a safe place for a loved one during a trip, a recovery, or a trial run before a long-term move. Pets are welcome at Port City, which can be a comfort for residents who have always had an animal in the home.Port City also shows apartment options for assisted living, including studio and one-bedroom floor plans, and has outdoor spaces such as a patio for fresh air and visits.Good to know about Kauhale Port City Assisted living and memory care on one campus Respite care available for short stays Pet-friendly community Convenient to shops, parks, and medical centers Tip: If you are not sure a move is right yet, ask about a respite stay. It can give your loved one and your family a real feel for daily life in the community.Why This Matters LocallyMobile is a city where family ties run deep, and many adult children live close enough to visit often. That makes location one of the most important parts of a memory care decision. A community that is only a short drive from your home, your workplace, or your loved ones doctor makes it easier to stay involved. Frequent, familiar visits can be reassuring for someone living with dementia, and they give you a chance to see how care looks on different days and at different times.The Mobile and Baldwin County area has a range of senior living options, from large campuses to smaller communities. Taking time to tour more than one, at different times of day, helps you compare staffing, atmosphere, and how residents spend their time. Being close to local hospitals and medical offices also matters, since people with dementia often have other health conditions that need regular attention.Finally, Gulf Coast weather is a real consideration. Hurricane season is part of life here, so ask any community about its emergency plan, including how it handles evacuations, power outages, and communication with families.How to Get Started With Memory Care in Mobile1. Talk with your loved ones doctorAsk the doctor about the diagnosis, how the condition is expected to progress, and what level of care is recommended. A physicians assessment is often needed for admission, and it helps you understand whether assisted living with memory support or a dedicated memory care setting fits best.2. Define your priorities and budgetMake a short list of what matters most, such as location, private or shared apartment, pet policy, and how close the community is to family. Then review what you can afford each month. Options may include long-term care insurance, veterans benefits, and personal funds. Ask each community to explain its pricing in writing, including what could raise the monthly cost as care needs increase.3. Call and tour at least two communitiesReach out to Kauhale Heritage Woods at 251-665-9063 and Kauhale Port City at 251-380-0053. Visit in person if you can, and try to stop by during an activity or mealtime. Helpful questions include: What training does your memory care staff receive, and how often? What are staffing levels during the day, evening, and overnight? How do you handle wandering, agitation, or difficult moments? What does a typical day look like for a resident? How do you assess residents, and how often is the care plan updated? What is included in the monthly fee, and what costs extra? Do you offer respite stays so we can try the community first? What is your plan for severe weather and emergencies? 4. Verify licensingConfirm that the community holds the appropriate license for assisted living and memory care with the Alabama Department of Public Health, and ask to see the most recent inspection information.5. Plan the transitionMoving day can be emotional. Bring familiar items such as photos, a favorite blanket, and furniture that feels like home. Share your loved ones life story, routines, likes, and dislikes with the care team so they can build a plan around the person, not just the diagnosis. Plan to visit often in the first few weeks, and keep in close contact with staff.Related Categories Assisted Living in Mobile, AL Skilled Nursing in Mobile, AL

Memory Care in Gulf Shores, AL

When a parent needs repeated reminders, a spouse becomes uneasy when left alone, or familiar routines no longer feel manageable, families face a difficult question: what support will make daily life more workable? Choosing memory care involves understanding the persons needs, the communitys capabilities, and how family members will stay involved.For families researching memory care in Gulf Shores, AL, Haven Memory Care is a local option to explore. This guide explains its published services and offers practical questions for evaluating a possible move. The goal is a thoughtful decision based on the individual, with enough information to plan beyond move-in day.What memory care providesMemory care is residential support designed for people living with Alzheimers disease or other forms of dementia. Its focus includes daily assistance, routines, supervision, and engagement suited to a persons cognitive abilities. Families should ask each community to explain its staffing, environment, admission criteria, and limits of care.A memory care search is also a good time to bring concerns to the persons healthcare professional. A housing decision does not establish a diagnosis or replace medical evaluation. Describe specific changes and ask what information will help a community assess the person accurately.Look at daily life rather than a label aloneTwo people with the same diagnosis may need different kinds of help. One may need prompting to begin meals; another may need hands-on assistance with personal care or more support at night. Make a simple record of a typical day, including the tasks that go well and those that require help.Include preferences as carefully as challenges. A favorite breakfast, quiet morning routine, familiar music, or preferred way of being addressed can help others understand the person behind the paperwork. Haven Memory Care in Gulf ShoresPhone: 251-923-2800Address: 6848 State Highway 59, Gulf Shores, AL 36542Haven Memory Care is part of Community Senior Life. Published amenities include meals, medication management, laundry, housekeeping, private and semi-private apartments, transportation assistance, and a Vigil monitoring system. These details create a useful starting point for a tour. Ask which services are included in the proposed rate, what assistance means in practice, and whether the available room arrangement fits the persons preferences.Personalized planning and ongoing supportHavens memory care service page describes individualized plans developed with the resident and family, with its Director of Nursing involved in welcoming each resident and planning care. It also describes around-the-clock assistance and physical, educational, and social activities. Ask how that process would work for your relative. Who completes the assessment? When is the plan reviewed? How are new concerns communicated? Request an example of how staff would approach a real situation your family already encounters, such as reluctance to bathe or confusion during a change in routine.The most useful conversation connects a published program to a particular need. Ask how staff learn a residents communication preferences and how family observations become part of the plan.Tour with specific questionsObserve how staff approach residents and explain activities. Ask how someone can participate when a group setting feels overwhelming, and whether quieter alternatives are available. Look at the route between a bedroom, bathroom, dining area, and shared spaces.Discuss the monitoring system directly. Ask what it monitors, who responds, and what additional procedures support residents who may become disoriented. A named technology does not explain the entire approach to supervision.Questions to bring include:What needs can the community support at admission?Who is present overnight, and how are requests for help handled?How are medicines coordinated with prescribers and pharmacies?What changes could require a different care setting?How are families notified about concerns or changes in the care plan?Build a sustainable financial planRequest a written, itemized estimate for the assessed level of care and room type. Ask about deposits, recurring fees, additional services, rate changes, and notice requirements. Discuss what happens financially if the resident goes to the hospital or needs to move.Avoid comparing a quoted monthly amount with another communitys base rate alone. Compare the actual services and terms each proposal includes. If a benefit or insurance policy may help, verify eligibility and payment arrangements with the responsible organization.Why memory care matters locally in Gulf ShoresA Gulf Shores location may make it easier for nearby family members to remain part of everyday life. Relatives in Orange Beach, Foley, or elsewhere in Baldwin County should consider the practical schedule for visits, appointments, and family meetings.Think about who can visit consistently, who can attend a care conference, and who should receive updates when others are traveling. Assigning those roles early can reduce confusion after a move.Coastal planning deserves a place in the conversation. Ask Haven about its current severe-weather procedures, family notification process, transportation arrangements, and plans if residents must temporarily relocate. Request instructions for keeping emergency contacts current.How to get started1. Write a one-page summary of the persons routines, current assistance, preferences, and concerns.2. Call Haven Memory Care at 251-923-2800 to discuss an assessment and tour.3. Ask which records and decision-making documents the team needs.4. Tour with a focused question list and discuss the persons actual daily needs.5. Review the proposed care plan, itemized charges, and admission agreement.6. Make a transition plan covering belongings, medicines, family communication, and follow-up.Practical tip: Choose a few meaningful belongings with the person whenever possible. Ask the community how to arrange them within its room and safety policies before bringing furniture or other large items. Related categoriesRespite Care in Gulf ShoresSupport Groups and Services Elder Law and Estate Planning

Finding a Retirement-Friendly Home Near Long Beach Island

Imagine waking up on a sunny morning with no commute to worry about. Perhaps you spend the day walking along the beach, meeting friends for lunch, visiting a local farm market, or enjoying time with grandchildren. For many adults over 50, retirement planning includes more than deciding how to spend their time. It also means deciding where they want to live.Long Beach Island and the surrounding Ocean County communities offer an appealing setting for people who value coastal scenery, outdoor recreation, and a strong connection to the Jersey Shore. But finding the right home involves balancing that lifestyle with practical considerations such as year-round access, home maintenance, insurance, and proximity to everyday services.Carol Grinbaum, Realtor with Better Homes and Gardens Real Estate Murphy & Co., is a local real estate resource for people exploring their housing options in Ocean County.Start With the Lifestyle You WantBefore searching property listings, consider what an ideal week might look like five or ten years from now.Would you like to walk to restaurants and shops? Do you prefer a quiet neighborhood with a backyard? Would you enjoy a community with organized activities, or do you value privacy and independence?These questions can help narrow the search.For beach loversLong Beach Island is known for its beaches, coastal atmosphere, and seasonal activity. Buyers who dream of living near the ocean should consider how they feel about summer traffic, visitor activity, parking, and the rhythm of a seasonal community.A vacation-home experience can differ significantly from year-round residency. Before purchasing, visit prospective neighborhoods during different seasons and ask about local services, road access, and community rules.For those who want mainland convenienceManahawkin and nearby Stafford Township provide a mainland base for exploring the Shore. Depending on the neighborhood, buyers may find single-family homes, townhomes, and other property styles while remaining within reach of LBI.Barnegat and Waretown are additional communities worth exploring for people who want to compare housing choices across the region.For people who value a neighborhood atmosphereSome buyers want more than a house. They want neighbors to greet, local organizations to join, and opportunities to build new friendships.An adult community may appeal to those who enjoy shared amenities or organized social events. Others may prefer a traditional residential neighborhood, where connections develop through clubs, volunteer work, places of worship, and local activities.Ask about the actual amenities, age requirements, fees, and restrictions rather than assuming all communities operate alike.What Makes a Home Practical for Retirement?A beautiful property should also work for everyday life. As you compare homes, look beyond the kitchen finishes and scenic views.Consider these features: A bedroom and full bathroom on the main level. A manageable yard and exterior maintenance requirements. Adequate lighting in hallways, stairways, and entryways. Convenient access to parking and the front entrance. Bathrooms that could accommodate future accessibility improvements. Space for visiting family without maintaining unused rooms year-round. A layout that makes everyday tasks comfortable and efficient. Not every buyer needs an accessibility-focused home today. Still, thinking ahead can help avoid an expensive move later.A qualified contractor or accessibility specialist can assess whether a particular property can be modified to meet future needs.Coastal Living Requires Extra HomeworkBuying a home near the water can be rewarding, but coastal properties deserve careful evaluation.Flood risk and insuranceFlood exposure varies by property. Before making an offer, investigate the property's flood zone, available flood insurance, elevation information, and any known history of water intrusion.Ask your insurance professional for a property-specific quote before committing. Premiums and coverage requirements can materially affect the cost of ownership.Storm preparationConsider how the property and neighborhood may be affected by major storms. Ask about drainage, roof condition, storm shutters where applicable, backup power, and local evacuation procedures.Seasonal versus year-round livingA location that feels peaceful in winter may become much busier in summer. Visit at different times of year to understand traffic patterns, parking, noise, and access to the activities you enjoy.Transportation and healthcareMap the routes you expect to use regularly. Consider grocery shopping, pharmacies, primary care appointments, specialists, and the people you may visit most often.A property that seems ideal on vacation may be less convenient for ordinary errands. A practical test is to imagine a typical Tuesday, not just a summer weekend.How a Local Realtor Can Help You Compare CommunitiesWhen searching across Long Beach Island, Manahawkin, Barnegat, and surrounding areas, it is easy to become overwhelmed by different property styles and price points.A Realtor can help you organize your priorities, identify suitable listings, compare recent sales, and understand the questions to ask before buying.Carol Grinbaum can be a resource for discussing Ocean County properties and exploring options through Better Homes and Gardens Real Estate Murphy & Co.Suggested quote for Carol's approval: The best home is one that fits the way you want to live. Looking beyond the property itself to the neighborhood, everyday conveniences, and long-term costs can help buyers make a more confident decision.Buyers should also consult appropriate professionals when evaluating inspections, financing, insurance, property taxes, and legal documents. A Realtor can coordinate parts of the transaction, but specialized advice may be needed for individual questions.Make Your Home Search More FocusedBefore touring properties, create a simple comparison list. Priority Questions to ask Location Is the home convenient to family, shopping, and regular appointments? Layout Can everyday activities be completed comfortably on one level? Maintenance What exterior work will be required each year? Costs What are the taxes, insurance, association fees, and utility expenses? Community Are there restrictions, amenities, or age requirements? Resale What factors may affect future marketability? Then divide your priorities into three categories: essential, desirable, and optional. This helps prevent attractive but impractical features from distracting you from your real needs.Frequently Asked QuestionsIs Long Beach Island a good place to retire?It may be a good fit for people who enjoy coastal living, but the decision depends on budget, seasonal activity, insurance, transportation, and preferred lifestyle. Explore both summer and off-season conditions before buying.What mainland communities should I consider near LBI?Manahawkin and Stafford Township are natural starting points, with Barnegat and Waretown also worth considering. Compare specific neighborhoods rather than relying only on town names.Should retirees buy a one-story home?A one-story layout can make daily living easier and reduce dependence on stairs. However, buyers should evaluate the entire home, including entrances, bathroom access, storage, and the potential for future modifications.What should I know before buying a coastal home?Investigate flood risk, insurance, storm preparedness, maintenance needs, and the property's condition. A home inspection and insurance review are important parts of due diligence.Can a Realtor help me compare homes across multiple Ocean County towns?Yes. A Realtor can help identify suitable properties, explain local market considerations, and coordinate showings across a search area. Buyers should clearly communicate their budget and lifestyle priorities.Find a Home That Fits the Life You WantRetirement can be an opportunity to rethink what home means. Whether you picture a coastal property, a low-maintenance ranch, or a welcoming neighborhood on the mainland, the right search begins with your priorities.Visit Carol Grinbaum's Seniors Blue Book listing to learn more about her real estate services and take the next step toward finding a home in Ocean County. More information: Carol Grinbaum, Realtor Seniors Blue Book Listing