Now What? Your Post-Caregiving Grief Guide

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Adoration Hospice (formerly Grane Hospice)

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Feb 15, 2024

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Now What? Your Post-Caregiving Grief Guide

 By Gary Bruland, Bereavement Counselor - Grane Hospice Harrisburg

“Now what?”  You may be asking yourself this question if you served as your late loved one’s primary caregiver. You dedicated your time and talents, lovingly and sacrificially giving yourself, having offered your heart, soul, mind, and strength. You put your own needs and interests on hold.  

Now that your loved one or friend has died, you may feel sadness, loneliness, and an enormous void left by the loved one. But you may also feel a measure of relief. You’re not only grieving the loved one or friend that was lost, but you are also at a loss. You’re likely grappling with two basic post-caregiving questions:  Who am I after having been a caregiver? What shall I do now?       

While grief often seems like a long and solitary journey, be assured that you are not alone. According to the AARP Public Policy Institute from 2017, there were an estimated 40 million caregivers in the US caring for another adult, such as a parent, spouse, sibling, son, daughter, other relative, friend, or neighbor.   Today, many of these 40 million Americans are now former caregivers who are walking their own post-caregiving grief journey. What follows are some strategies for journeying through grief for you who have served as compassionate caregivers. In our Harrisburg-area “Growing through Grief” sessions, we focus on the four tasks of healthy grieving as set forth by Dr. J. William Worden. One of these tasks involves an effort to identify who you are as an individual apart from your late loved one. In other words, you will want to begin to reinvest your life in ways consistent with your own personal interests, vision, and values.

But how do you do this? You can begin to identify who you are apart from your loved one by asking yourself three questions: Who were you before your loved one came into your life? Who were you when he/she was in your life? Who are you now without that person in your life? Asking yourself these questions to help determine who you are as an independent person is an essential part of making it through your journey of grief.

Borrowing a principle from career counseling may also be helpful in your grief recovery. This principle asserts that you can find your new calling or new identity at the intersection of your strengths, your interests, and what most benefits others. Work on finding this intersection, as you drive the detour of grief, and you may very well discover ways to reinvest your life.

 Others may come alongside you to give care, comfort, and support for a time. But your grief journey will continue until you define and redefine yourself after their death. Death changes the roles we play, and these roles help to define us.

Another factor in identifying who you are independent of your loved one involves reviewing the various interests and activities you may have participated in because of, or with, your loved one. Will you continue to do these things without your loved one?

As you work on your grief recovery—and as you work on finding a new sense of purpose post-caregiving—let me close with a word of encouragement. You may still be feeling mad, sad, or bad about your loved one’s death; or, you may feel as if you died with them; or, you may still feel that you’ll never adjust to a “new normal” without them.  While feeling adrift or at a loss, “Now what?” is a perfectly natural and, sometimes necessary, response.    

You can be assured that as you do your grief work, the heaviness of your grief in these days will lessen and get lighter in days to come. The fog of grief will lift. You may discover that part of your new purpose in life is to be an advocate for a special cause. New advocacy or activism on behalf of an important issue or cause may become a powerful and positive part of your growing through grief. It may help you heal from your pain and loss.

Be assured, you’ll always remember your loved one. You’ll also remember your grief and pain, but as you work through your grief on this long journey, the pain will decrease and not be as intense.  In time, you will heal.   In time, you will move into a new normal, enjoying a revitalized life.

In his booklet Rebuilding and Remembering, Kenneth Haugk talks about rebuilding your life: Give yourself permission to live again, to laugh again, to enjoy life again. Living again affirms your loved one, who would want the best for you.”  Susan Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert DeVries in their book, Traveling Through Grief, offer some helpful insights for you to consider: “How can you know you are done grieving?”

While there are many evidences which suggest that your grief journey is drawing to a close, here are four major evidences you’ll want to look for:

 

You are able to talk about your deceased loved one and recall special memories without strong emotional reactions like breaking down crying or feeling significant pain.

You have dealt with all the feelings (such as anger, guilt, or sadness) that you may have felt about your relationship with the deceased.  You can be by yourself and not feel intense loneliness or yearning for your deceased loved one.

You made decisions about the disposition of their things and have chosen few keepsakes, having sorted and stored special memories to be retrieved and reviewed.  

You feel confident as a complete and whole person in yourself.  You are able to smile again, and you feel you have positive things to contribute to others.

On behalf of the compassionate staff of Grane Hospice Care, I wish you well as you continue in your journey of growing through post-caregiving.

 —Gary Bruland, Bereavement Counselor, Grane Hospice Harrisburg

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How to Balance Caregiving with Your Own LifeBalance caregiving by setting clear limits, sharing tasks with family and paid help, using respite care, protecting your own health and time, and asking for support early rather than waiting until you are exhausted.Why Balance Is HardCaregivers often juggle jobs, children, and household duties while supporting a loved one. Without breaks, stress, poor sleep, and isolation can lead to caregiver burnout.Strategies That Help Define your role. Decide what you can do, what you can share, and what you will pay for or delegate. Hold a family meeting. Divide tasks by strengths and availability, including remote tasks like bill paying or scheduling. Create a shared calendar for appointments, medications, and visits. Use respite care. Even a few hours a week from a relative, volunteer, aide, or adult day program restores energy. Set boundaries at work. Talk with your employer about flexible hours, remote work, or leave options. Protect your health. Keep your own medical appointments, move your body, eat regularly, and sleep. Stay connected. Keep up friendships and activities that recharge you. Signs of Caregiver Burnout Constant exhaustion or frequent illness. Feeling hopeless, resentful, or overwhelmed. Withdrawing from others. Changes in appetite or sleep. If you notice these, speak with your doctor or a counselor. 4. Support Available for Family CaregiversFamily caregivers can access respite care, counseling, support groups, caregiver training, adult day programs, financial assistance, and workplace protections. Local Area Agencies on Aging are the best first stop in the United States.Types of Support Respite care: Short-term relief, at home or in a facility. Adult day programs: Supervised daytime care and activities. Support groups and counseling: In person, by phone, or online. Training: Courses on lifting, dementia care, and medication management. Home care and meals: Aides, home-delivered meals, and transportation. Financial and Legal Help Medicaid home and community-based programs, which in some states can pay for care at home, and in a few, family caregivers. VA Caregiver Support Program for those caring for veterans. Tax benefits, such as possible medical expense deductions or dependent credits; ask a tax professional. Elder law attorneys for powers of attorney, benefits planning, and long-term care planning. Workplace ProtectionsIn the U.S., the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) may allow eligible employees up to 12 weeks of unpaid, job-protected leave a year to care for a family member with a serious health condition. Some states offer paid family leave, and some employers offer caregiver benefits.Programs vary by country and region. Outside the U.S., contact your local government aging or social services office. 5. How to Handle Resistance to Care?Resistance usually stems from fear of losing independence, not stubbornness. Respond with empathy, find the root concern, offer choices, introduce help gradually, and know when safety risks require stepping in.Why Older Adults Resist Help Fear of losing independence or control. Embarrassment or denial about declining abilities. Worry about cost or being a burden. Distrust of strangers in the home. Cognitive changes, including dementia, that reduce awareness of problems. Strategies That Work Ask why. Understand the specific fear before offering solutions. Reframe the help. Present it as support for staying independent: "This will help you stay in your home longer." Go slow. Start with a few hours of help or a friendly companion, and build up. Offer choices. Let your parent pick the caregiver, schedule, or tasks. Use a trusted messenger. Doctors often carry more weight than family. Pick your battles. Focus on safety and health priorities rather than minor preferences. Try a trial period. "Let's try it for a month and then decide together." When Dementia Is InvolvedArguing facts rarely helps. Stay calm, validate feelings, redirect gently, and keep routines consistent. Ask the doctor about evaluation and dementia care strategies.When to Step InA capable adult has the right to make their own choices, even risky ones. But if there is immediate danger, such as wandering, unsafe driving, neglect, or serious medical needs, contact their doctor. If your parent lacks decision-making capacity, an elder law attorney can explain options such as guardianship, and Adult Protective Services can respond to self-neglect or abuse concerns.Disclaimer: This content is for educational purposes and does not replace professional medical, legal, or financial advice. Consult qualified professionals about your family's situation.

Local Services By This Author

Adoration Hospice (formerly Grane Hospice)

Hospice 260 Alpha Drive, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, 15238

Grane Hospice Care (An Adoration Health Partner): Compassionate In-Home Hospice Care for Seniors and FamiliesWhen someone you love is facing a serious illness, everything can start to feel uncertain. Families are often trying to balance medical decisions, emotional conversations, and the simple desire to keep their loved one comfortable. During this time, having the right kind of support makes all the difference.Grane Hospice Care in Pittsburgh, part of the Adoration Health network, provides thoughtful, compassionate hospice care focused on comfort, dignity, and quality of life. Their team works closely with seniors and families throughout the Greater Pittsburgh areaincluding Allegheny, Armstrong, Beaver, Butler, Greene, Lawrence, Washington, and Westmoreland countiesbringing experienced, in-home hospice services directly to wherever patients call home.For many families, thats one of the most meaningful parts of hospice care. Instead of navigating constant appointments or hospital stays, care comes to you. Whether someone is living in a private home, an assisted living community, or a skilled nursing setting, Grane Hospice Care helps create a sense of calm and familiarity during a time that can otherwise feel overwhelming.Hospice care is often misunderstood. It doesnt mean giving upit means shifting the focus. Instead of pursuing aggressive treatments, the goal becomes comfort, symptom management, and making each day as meaningful as possible. Grane Hospice Care embraces this approach fully, taking the time to understand each individuals needs, preferences, and wishes so care feels personal, not clinical.What really stands out about Grane Hospice Care Pittsburgh is the way their team surrounds both the patient and the family with support. Hospice is not just about medical careits about the full picture. Their interdisciplinary team works together to address everything from pain management and physical comfort to emotional support and spiritual care. Families arent left to figure things out on their own; they have a team walking alongside them, helping guide decisions and offering reassurance when its needed most.Caregivers, in particular, often carry a heavy load during this stage. Many are doing their best to support a loved one while managing their own emotions and responsibilities. Grane Hospice Care understands that and makes caregiver support a priority. They provide education, answer questions, and remain available around the clock so families always have someone to turn to. That kind of access can bring a tremendous sense of relief.Another important piece of their care is the ability to meet people where they arenot just physically, but emotionally as well. Every familys journey looks a little different. Some are ready to talk openly about whats ahead, while others need time and gentle guidance. The team at Grane Hospice Care respects that process and adjusts their approach accordingly, always keeping communication clear, honest, and compassionate.For veterans and their families, Grane Hospice Care also offers specialized support through the We Honor Veterans program. This ensures that those who have served receive care that recognizes their experiences and honors their contributions in a meaningful way.One thing many families say, looking back, is that they wish they had reached out to hospice sooner. Early involvement can make a noticeable difference. It allows for better symptom management, more time to build relationships with the care team, and more opportunities for meaningful conversations and shared moments. Grane Hospice Care encourages families to ask questions early, even if theyre not sure whether its time yet. Theres no pressurejust guidance.Grane Hospice Care has built a strong reputation not just for clinical excellence, but for being responsive, present, and genuinely compassionate. Their team takes the time to listen, to adjust, and to ensure that each person feels seen and respected.At the end of the day, hospice care is about more than servicesits about people. Its about helping someone remain comfortable in familiar surroundings. Its about giving families the support they need to focus on what truly matters. And its about creating space for dignity, connection, and peace during one of lifes most personal chapters.For seniors and caregivers searching for hospice care in Pittsburgh, Grane Hospice Care offers a trusted, experienced optionone that brings not only professional support, but a human touch when its needed most.