Strong and Kind Caregiving

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Lely Palms Retirement Community

For more information about the author, click to view their website: Lely Palms

Posted on

Jul 21, 2023

Book/Edition

Florida - Southwest

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Recently, I returned from visiting a small town in the Abruzzo region of Italy where my maternal grandparents lived before immigrating to the United States in the 1920s. Aside from the delectable seafood and wine I was served, I was gifted the hospitality of Italians from that area where there’s a widely known saying about their inhabitants being forte e gentile. Strong and kind.

I carried this phrase home with me. During a presentation to care providers, I recounted my origin story of becoming a caregiver, and how one first must learn to become strong (not mean), in advocating for their loved one. And eventually, when one arrives at certain understanding regarding the situation, one tends toward kindness. 

Becoming Strong and Kind

The participants at the conference that day eagerly offered several examples of becoming strong. One woman spoke about the envy she held for her brother, who could simply stop in to see their mother, while she fretted over her mother’s medications and health. She envied that freedom. Finally, she asked her brother to take over one task. He took it on with enthusiasm. She recognized the value in being strong—not for her mother, but for herself. Letting go of pride to ask for help is a hallmark of being strong. Her request also gave her brother agency in caring for his mother. Another participant recounted frustration with a sister, whom she repeatedly would ask for input regarding care of their parents. Her sister never responded. The participant stopped sharing information with her sibling, knowing she had the safety net of a husband and son who could provide more insight and comfort, and a lot less aggravation while she attended to her duties.

The writer and activist Marge Piercy writes of strong women, “Strength is not in her, but she enacts it as the wind fills a sail.” Strong is not within us, but in how we use our skills and gifts to enact change in our daily life.

The kind part is a more difficult to recognize or implement. We must toss out the notion we should be treated with kindness first. Kindness is not a competition or something to be measured. It’s a state of being where we simply reside in the joys and challenges of living to find the best way forward.

In Father Lawrence G. Lovasik’s book, The Hidden Power of Kindness, he writes, Not only is kindness due to everyone, but a special kindness is due to everyone. Kindness is not kindness unless it is special. Its charm consists in its fitness, its timeliness, and its individual application.”

I experienced that charm in Abruzzo. A kindness toward me, the granddaughter of a man and woman who left impoverished families, who never looked back on their home country, and never returned. When you speak to people residing in these small towns, they recognize how their forebearers had been forsaken for something else. Imagine what it feels like to be the one left behind. And then, to welcome someone who arrived, as I did, with heavy expectations to reunite families. Imagine the kindness it takes to embrace someone like me.

Strength and Kindness Are Everywhere

When I returned from Italy, suddenly, I saw examples of strength and kindness everywhere.

Javeno Mclean opened a gym in the UK exclusively for people with disabilities, both physical and cognitive. He takes the approach that everyone can achieve in the gym. It’s a matter of recognizing one’s skill level and ability, securing encouragement and support, and reducing expectations. Recently, he set the world record for the largest wheelchair exercise class. In an Instagram video, he dances with an older woman who is laughing, while the song, Baby, Baby, Where Did our Love Go? plays in the background. He wrote on his post, “age is just a state of mind…a sense of humor will keep the mind young.”

At the annual Comic Con in New York City, actor Michael J. Fox, walked onto stage to thunderous applause. He is now thirty years into his Parkinson’s diagnosis. Before Michael could settle onto the couch, Christopher Lloyd, who starred as Doc to Fox’s Marty character in the Back to the Future movies 37 years prior, walked onto the stage. Despite Fox’s physical challenges to remain steady on his feet, the emotions worn on the faces of each actor as Lloyd reached out to hug Fox, were powerful demonstrations of kindness and strength.

In the years I was my mother’s advocate, I learned to be strong. In those moments when we sat side by side, reading magazines, singing, or during moments of great confusion for her, I learned to be kind by accepting that station in her life.

Annette Januzzi Wick is a writer, speaker, and author of I’ll Have Some of Yours, a journey of cookies and caregiving. (Three Arch Press). A frequent contributor to Cincinnati.com, her work has appeared in Cincinnati Magazine, nextavenue.com, Still Point Arts, 3rd Act MagazineOvunque SiamoBelt Magazine and Creative Nonfiction (both forthcoming). Visit annettejwick.com to learn more.

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