Understanding Why Your Adult Kids Don’t Want to Be Around You

Your baby might be all grown up, yet your love for your child has no end — even when they behave in ways or make decisions you don’t understand. As a parent, it’s natural to feel hurt, confused, and frustrated when your adult kids don’t want to be around you. It’s also normal to feel a shift in your relationship as children become independent.

Experiencing distance or estrangement from your adult children can be painful. It can bring up emotions like anger, sadness, or even self-doubt. As you navigate this new territory in the parent-child relationship, it’s important to acknowledge that part of life is children learning to carve their own paths. This emotional situation can look different for every family, so it’s crucial to not compare your experience with anyone else’s.

As you come to terms with the evolution of your relationship with your adult child, the hurt will slowly fade, even if it’s just slightly. You’ll gain a deeper understanding and build new connections with your children. Read on to learn more about how to handle the pain when your adult kids don’t want to be around you anymore.

Common Reasons Adult Children May Pull Away From Parents

Adult children begin pulling away from their parents for countless reasons. They might be in a new relationship or trying to set boundaries. They can be starting a career or family and need to shift their priorities and focus. They may be experiencing mental health challenges or trying to deal with conflict from unresolved issues. Whatever the reason, there are ways you can reconnect and build a new, stronger bond with your children. For some families, the relationship may reach a point where parents are dealing with estranged adult children, which can be especially painful and challenging to navigate.

The natural shift in independence

Adulthood demands children find personal space and self-reliance (even if it feels like distance on your end). This distance often highlights the changing dynamic between parents and their adult kids. However, this change in the parent-child relationship is natural and healthy.

Children should start to become more independent — it’s a natural progression in life, and it means you’ve done your job as a parent. However, as a parent, the transition can seem abrupt or hurtful. Try to remember that this is a crucial part of development and understand that the shift isn’t personal but rather a natural progression of life.

Boundary setting

Adult children need time for self-discovery and establishing their identities. Boundaries are essential as they become established in their own lives. Setting boundaries with adult children is important for parents, too, but they’re critical for a child’s autonomy.

Try not to see your adult child’s boundaries as rejection. By honoring them, you’re showing that you love, understand, and trust their needs. Respect is essential. It can be difficult, but remember that overstepping, even if it’s unintentional, will strain your relationship.

Career and family priorities

Adulthood is marked by overwhelming responsibility that may challenge the bond between parents and their adult kids. Sons and daughters may struggle to balance demanding careers, raise their families, or navigate personal challenges. New priorities can limit how much time they have to spend with you and other family members. This new dynamic leaves many parents feeling sidelined.

It’s not that they don’t value your relationship — they’re trying to juggle multiple roles, as workers, partners, parents, and friends. Recognizing the pressure they’re under and being patient goes a long way in maintaining a positive connection.

Generational differences and changing values

Every generation feels a gap when it comes to different values, beliefs, priorities, and expectations, which can lead to miscommunication between parents and their adult children. Most of the time, there are obvious differences from generation to generation in terms of cultural and political views, perspectives on family roles, lifestyle choices, and societal expectations.

Occasionally, generational differences can cause friction between you and your adult child. For example, you might have expectations about family gatherings or how often you talk that no longer align with your child’s availability and interests, all of which create situations that are hard to navigate.

Don’t let these differences divide you. Approach them with curiosity and an open mind, letting your child know you accept them, their values, and their priorities — even if they differ from yours.

Parenting dynamics

Parenting styles have a lasting impact on every parent-child relationship, especially as years pass. If you were a toxic parent—overprotective, controlling, or prone to micromanaging—your child might seek more independence as an adult.

“Parenting styles, whether from parents or caretakers, who played that significant role in your life are your primary examples growing up. It is where we gain a first look at impressions on the “how to” of treating others, in terms of loving, relating, and even hurting. For example, if you had safe and secure nurturance, you might be more likely to search for those same qualities within a relationship or partner. What we see as a child, is certainly not scripture as an adult, but there is definitely resonance in what we might refer to, what we remember, and what we apply in our relationships as an adult.”

– Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C

Even if you had the best intentions, your son or daughter might feel smothered or misunderstood due to their upbringing. This can be tough to accept, but remember that you did your best as a mother or father. It might help to share that you realize you were overbearing and want to change your relationship today.

The influence of significant others

Eventually, your child will likely have a significant other, and it can cause a natural shift in your immediate family. It’s normal and healthy for adult children to slowly redirect who they prioritize in life. Romantic relationships and marriages are part of how your child will build their own family. It makes sense for their time and energy to be redistributed as they build their homes and families.

Try not to view this as a diminishment in your role as a parent. Instead, see it as an evolution in the parent-child relationship. Support their relationships without resentment or competition. Make sure they know you respect their decision to be with any partner and that you want to build a strong bond.

Mental health challenges

Mental health challenges like anxiety, depression, or chronic stress can impact how adult children interact with family. It can be difficult to maintain connections, even with loved ones, especially if they aren’t seeking treatment or managing their condition.

Recognizing the signs and offering support without judgment can help strengthen your relationship and remind your son or daughter they’re not alone.

Conflict and unresolved issues

Unresolved conflict, whether recent or from childhood, can cause emotional barriers that are difficult to break down. Past arguments, unmet needs, or family events (like divorce) can cause avoidance issues or detachment. It’s critical to address these issues as openly and respectfully as possible. You might seek the guidance of a therapist to help heal old wounds so you can pave the way toward reconciliation.

Your behavior

One of the most challenging aspects of understanding why your adult kids don’t want to be around you is reflecting on your own actions and behaviors. Taking an honest look at yourself can reveal if you’re being or have been hurtful, critical, intrusive, or dismissive. Self-reflection is a powerful way to grow and can help you understand what your adult child needs from your relationship.

Thank yourself for taking this crucial step, as it takes courage to look inward.

“What we do impacts others. And we can never know how much what we do or say, might ‘stay’ with a person. Growth is a lifelong process, and this highlights the importance of pause, insight, and self-awareness. By fostering these qualities, you can gain more perspective and thoughtfulness, rather than letting reaction be your main emotional driver. Inevitably, when we do give pause to reflect internally, versus react on impulse, we behave in less regretful ways. Some things sting, and as we know, there are not always ‘take-backs.’.”

– Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C

Parental Expectations vs Reality

It’s common to hold an idealized view of what being a parent means — especially when children become adults — but unrealistic or unhealthy expectations can cause disappointment and strain the relationship. For example, you might want frequent phone calls, regular visits, and unwavering appreciation. Your child might have a very different idea of what your relationship should look like.

Adjusting your perspective can help you embrace your new relationship and reduce tension. Remember that you won’t find a fulfilling parent-child relationship with a one-size-fits-all solution. Children must discover independence as adults, and your job is to help facilitate that, in whatever ways they need.

Tips for Rebuilding Connection

It might seem daunting, but you can rebuild a happy connection with your adult child. Use the following tips to reconnect in new ways. The dynamics might have changed, but the bond will always be there (even if you have to work at finding it). This means being patient, kind, and willing to adapt.

Initiate conversations without pressure

The first thing you should do is reach out to your son or daughter with a no-strings-attached intention. A casual phone call or text to check in lets you connect without suffocating. Avoid guilt-tripping or pressing them for more interaction.

Create new family traditions

Creating new family traditions can be exciting and a way to bring everyone together in a new, fresh, and meaningful way. Suggest having monthly dinners, getting together for a hobby everyone enjoys, or taking annual trips. Things like this can foster new, long-lasting connections. Finding opportunities to connect can strengthen your bond as you learn to accept this new relationship with your child.

Practice active listening and empathy

Active listening is a skill that will go a long way in supporting your adult child. Listen without interruption when they open up. Don’t offer unsolicited advice. If you find this challenging, start the conversation with a simple question: “Are you looking for support or solutions? I can and will do whatever you need.”

Give space but stay available

Studies show that adult children who have healthy and positive relationships with their parents are more likely to seek advice from them. As children move into adulthood, you want to respect their need for space but also want to be there for them. Let them come to you in their own time. Remind them that you’re always there when they need you and offer balance by giving them space while still being available. This is crucial when communication is lacking.

Seek professional help

If the distance becomes too much and you’re feeling increasingly distressed, it might be time to seek professional help. Therapy provides valuable tools and insights to help you navigate this challenging time as a parent who loves their children and simply wants to spend time with them.

Navigating the Changing Relationship with Support

Your relationship with your children will evolve over time. While it can be challenging to adapt to and accept these changes, look at them as an opportunity for growth as a parent and an individual. Try to be patient, understanding, and empathetic. Remember what it was like for you as you tried to navigate adulthood in the early years.

If you’re struggling, know that help is available. Getting professional guidance from a therapist can improve your relationship in ways you didn’t know were possible. Seek advice when things get hard. Mothers and fathers alike will discover the power of compassion and patience when working through changes with their adult kids.

Talkspace is an online platform that makes accessing mental health support easy and affordable for anyone yearning for change. With effort, communication, time, and guidance, you can forge a new relationship with your adult children.

Get started with online therapy today to learn how to be a better parent and strengthen your family bonds.