What I Learned about Loneliness

Author

Dayspring Villa - Christian Living Communities

Posted on

Jun 01, 2021

Book/Edition

Colorado - Denver Metro

share-this
Share This
One year ago this month, my partner Thomas undertook a five-month journey to hike the Pacific Crest Trail. The PCT is one of Americas long-distance trails, and runs 2,650 miles through California, Oregon, and Washington. PCT hikers start at the US/Mexico border, and carrying their food, water, tents, and sleeping bags on their backs, they hike until they reach the Canadian border. Its a physically and mentally demanding journey through deserts, mountains, and forests; requiring planning and discipline and the courage to survive in the wilderness for nearly half a year.
I knew it would be a difficult experience for Thomas. What I didnt know was how difficult it would be for me at home. There are very few blogs or articles written by the partners of PCT hikers on what the experience was like for them. I think I know why, and its related to something that our company sees and thinks about a lot loneliness. More people are talking about the negative health consequences of loneliness youve probably spotted at least a few articles or news segments about it in the last few years. Because I have a job where I need to think about, spot, and try to help alleviate loneliness, I thought I knew a lot about the topic. Experience, as it has a way of doing, was a much better teacher. Heres what I learned about loneliness in the five months Thomas was on the PCT.
Loneliness can make you feel ashamed
Like many people our age, Thomas and I moved away from our families for work. Most of our friends from childhood and college also live far away. I learned that you can be lonely and still have a lot of loving, supportive people in your life. There were a lot of people I could have turned to for help and support, but because of the distance, it would require me to speak up and ask for it. I knew objectively that there was nothing shameful about feeling lonely in a busy and disconnected world and asking for more support.
I found, to my surprise, however, that I was reluctant to ask. It felt embarrassing to admit that I was lonely. When friends and family called I was thrilled and would chat happily with them, basking in the feeling of connectedness. I wanted to share that I was feeling lonely and isolated. But when they asked, I found I couldnt make the words come out. I felt ashamed of being lonely, and also afraid that if I felt told them, it would be putting an awkward demand on them to help alleviate my loneliness. So instead, I said nothing.
Loneliness can be consuming
Like everyone, I had times of feeling lonely before Thomas hiked the PCT. But those experiences were brief and fleeting and easily resolved by spending time with someone and then going on my way. Being lonely is different. I learned that loneliness can be pervasive and consuming. I came to dread weekends, previously a beloved time of relaxation and solitude, because I knew that I wouldnt have anyone to connect with. Three-day holiday weekends were my enemy. My thoughts would turn to how long it had been since Id seen another person, how long it had been since I had used my voice to talk aloud. Many Sunday nights Id collapse exhausted into bed, crushed under how alone I felt. I would rush into work on Mondays, eager for the chance to see and talk and connect with fellow humans. I learned that chronic loneliness isnt a passing feeling. Chronic loneliness colors your entire world, removing some of the vibrancy and joy even from pleasant and joyful things.
Loneliness can rebound quickly
My experience of loneliness gave me enormous empathy for the Elders I meet who are also experiencing isolation and loneliness. It also gave me insight into the fight against it. One of the most critical things I learned from my experience is that there is no quick fix to loneliness. My parents came to spend a week with me last year when Thomas was on the trail, and for that week I was not lonely. We had a wonderful time, and I was so happy to have other people in my apartment, to eat dinner with and spend the weekend with and to see when I came back from work.
When they left, I thought I would start over emotionally from the place I was when my boyfriend first left for the trail not lonely, gradually becoming more lonely. It wasnt like that. The loneliness returned immediately with full force. I suspect that being lonely might actually have impacts that are much longer, a phenomenon Im still exploring. Thomas completed the PCT and returned home in October, so he has now been back home for longer than he was gone. I have not been lonely during that time. Recently, however, he went out of state for a few days and I found myself reverting shockingly fast back to the patterns and mindset I experienced when he was gone. Loneliness, Im learning, has really strong muscle memory. You cant fix it with weekly phone calls or occasional visits. The only way to beat it is through strong, sustained social connection.
After the Trail
Despite how difficult my experience with loneliness was, I was lucky. For me, loneliness had an end date. I knew that Thomas would reach the end of the trail and then come back home, and that knowledge made a difference in my ability to push through and live my life. I am humbled thinking about how different it must be for people who have lost their partners, or who never had one, who are isolated and lonely and dont know if there will an end to that lonely.
Ive always known, academically, that one of the strongest benefits of communities like ours is the increased socialization that our Elders experience and enjoy. Now I know first-hand how consuming loneliness can be, how it can make you feel ashamed, and how quickly it can come back. Now, when I meet with family members who worry that their loved one is experiencing loneliness and are considering Assisted Living as an option, I know what a profound and serious problem that is. I take extra care to point out the many ways that Dayspring Villa is set up to alleviate loneliness by creating strong and lasting social connections between Elders, their neighbors, and our warm, caring team.
The PCT gave my boyfriend the adventure of a lifetime. The PCT gave me powerful empathy, a renewed passion for my work, and lifelong motivation to alleviate loneliness and the suffering that it brings. We all have more work to do to understanding and eliminating loneliness.

Other Articles You May Like

Guest Blog: Getting Outside Gets Inside

It is a sad commentary on our current cultural worldview that sunlight is widely perceived to be harmful, a cancer-causing threat. But what does the research actually say? And does this research affect older adults differently than other people?Spectrum: For starters, we should understand that sunlight is a complex combination of photons, with different wavelengths and properties. The sun is the original full-spectrum illumination, while both incandescent and LED lights emit, as one might expect, mostly visible-spectrum light.Intensity: The other important variable is the intensity of light, measured in LUX units (a foot away from one candle): direct sun comes in at 100,000; a cloudy day at 1,000; a kitchen or office measures 500; and a living room only 50. Thats why you need to get outside.UV: At one extreme is ultraviolet light (UV), whose wavelength is slightly shorter than visible violet. With regard to our health, UV is a mixed bag.It does cause sunburns, damages DNA, and triggers the aging of skin. It is also statistically associated with malignant melanoma, although, curiously, not with increased deaths from melanoma (because these cancers are mostly treatable).On the other hand, there are numerous health benefits: UV lowers the risk of hypertension, diabetes, atherosclerosis (hardening of the arteries), blood inflammation, and COVID infections. UV also stimulates Vitamin D synthesis in the skin. A large-scale study of 500,000 Brits, with a 12-year follow-up, found that frequent UV exposure lowered all-cause mortality by 14%, with cardiovascular deaths down 21% and total cancer mortality decreased by 13%. It gives one pause to reconsider the vast sums spent on sunscreen lotions. Just wearing light summer clothing blocks 80% of UV.IR: UV radiation represents only about 3% of the sunlight that strikes the surface of the earth, while about 50% is infrared (IR), whose lightwaves are just beyond (longer) than visible reds. IR radiation is more predominant at the beginning and end of days, while UV is strongest when the sun is overhead. A thick cloud cover reduces IR significantly more than UV. In a recent superb Huberman Lab podcast, Dr. Roger Seheult touted the many benefits of IR radiation. Most severe and chronic diseases also involve mitochondrial dysfunction (mitochondria are the small organelles within a cell that produce the energy-generating chemical ATP). One aspect of aging is that we lose 70% of our mitochondrial functioning after age 40. Unlike UV, IR radiation passes through light clothing and the surface of the skin to penetrate deep into body tissues, where it significantly stimulates mitochondrial ATP synthesis.Effects: The effects of improved mitochondrial functioning are pervasive, correlated empirically with sun exposure. Dr. Seheult cited statistics demonstrating that the greatest number of all-cause mortality comes soon after the shortest day of the year, and the lowest number of deaths occurs close to the longest days.People who live far north or south of the equator where days are particularly short in winter have higher overall mortality rates, particularly in mid-winter. In a study of almost 30,000 Swedish women, avoidance of sun exposure carried the same risk of premature death, as did smoking.There is well-replicated rigorous research that moderate IR exposure lowers the risk of cancer, heart disease, diabetes, hypertension, and it reduces blood lipids and chronic inflammation. IR increases immune system response to infections, such as influenza, COVID and pre-cancerous cells.On a sunny day, just 15 minutes outside can make a big difference. If youre in a green space with lots of grasses, leaves, bushes, and trees, you can receive two to three times the IR dose because plants reflect much of the IR that strikes them (notice that most leaves dont get hot in the sun because of these reflective properties).Red Light Therapy: There are many red-light therapy devices now available if you are considering them, be sure to carefully research IR wavelengths, dosage, safety, and therapeutic benefit. One study, utilizing an IR desk unit shining only on face, neck, and hands, proved to be quite therapeutic.Forest Bathing? Dr. Seheult delighted in reminding us of the wisdom of the ancient beliefs that sunlight and fresh air promote convalescence. Forest bathing has become a thing the air around trees is infused with phytoncides that defend plants from bacteria, fungi, and insects. When inhaled by humans, they up- regulate immune functioning and lower stress levels, and reduce stress hormones. The beauty and serenity of such an environment further enhances these benefits, some of which are detectable by lab tests a month later. Furthermore, getting up with the sun (and out from behind the filtering effects of plate glass windows) helps to set your circadian rhythm, which can improve sleep patterns. Take home message: forests, parks and even golf courses soothe the soul, and the body. And early morning and late afternoon may be particularly beneficial.Sweat Benefits: Dr. Seheult is a pulmonologist who treats many respiratory infections he also reminded us about how previous generations treated patients with hot baths and hot packs, as if to sweat out infections. Its been recently discovered that body temperatures a little over 100 degrees Fahrenheit actually accelerate the production of interferon, a powerful anti-viral protein. Maybe weve been a little too quick to reduce our fevers with aspirin, Tylenol, and Advil. And maybe the saunas so favored by Scandinavians and Russians are more therapeutic than weve realized.Conclusion: As spring has sprung, we encourage everyone to get away from your screens, go outside and enjoy the benefits of the sunshine that so amply surrounds us. Residents at Kavod Senior Life have a myriad of ways to get outside, whether it be on the sunlit patio areas, in the resident gardens, on the nearby walking paths in Cherry Creek or on the many benches and sitting areas surrounding the campus. Come for a visit and see for yourself!Ben and Scott  https://theagingwiselyproject.com/

Providing Specialized Care for Vietnam Veterans While Understanding Their Lifelong Battle

By Faith Protsman, MD, Regional Medical Director, VITAS HealthcareVietnam War veterans face unique obstacles throughout the twilight of advanced illness. For hospice care providers to tailor care to meet the needs of veterans who have served in this theater of war, they must consider the tribulations these patients face as they reach the end of their lives.The Vietnam War era was a very tumultuous time to be a soldier. The United States' prolonged involvement in a war of questionable motivation left society with disdain toward the government and its institutions, especially the military.Coupled with horrific images shown on television, constant controversy was a new reality and negative public opinion formed around this conflict, of which those serving the nation were not spared.Careful consideration is necessary when treating patients facing these traumas.Tours of duty proved to be traumatizing in many ways. Young soldiers, some having just turned 18, were drafted into a war that many of them did not believe in. They were not fighting for love of country and God; rather, they were fighting for survival and out of fear for their lives.Intimate battles in the dense jungle led many to be subjected to the horrors that come with fighting in a foreign land that was only familiar to the elusive guerilla enemy soldiers.Servicemembers did not receive a warm welcome when returning home from Vietnam, often being judged and labeled as cruel and even inhumane.Moral Injury Can Impair Mental HealthThis perfect storm of trauma led to lasting moral injury that plagues many veterans for their entire lives. Veterans returning from the war were marginalized and pushed into isolation, often turning to alcohol and substance abuse, which worsened their anxiety and exacerbated their strife.Questions like Ive never spoken about the war, can I now? Was the war moral or immoral? and Was I a good soldier? come bubbling to the surface later in life as their illnesses intensify and their defenses weaken.Careful consideration is necessary when treating patients facing these traumas.The restlessness that can result from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is often treated with benzodiazepines. In most cases, these medications can bring relief through calming the patient.Yet, there is a common trend amongst veterans who cope with trauma that results in the opposite effect.Benzodiazepines can lower the walls that Vietnam veterans have built up throughout a lifetime of suppressing trauma and negative memories. This class of medications can exacerbate the symptoms of PTSD as traumatic experiences and feelings of regret resurface. Benzodiazepine-induced inhibition of neurotransmission can even lead to agitated toxic psychosis, increased anxiety, hostility, and rage.1The Value of Compassion Along with Clinical CareRemaining considerate does not end with simply staying mindful during the planning of clinical solutions. Providing care for Vietnam veterans requires a high level of empathy.A key to an empathetic approach is taking the time to listen nonjudgmentally. Though seemingly simple, practicing nonjudgmental, open communication with patients facing trauma from war can help avoid the all-too typical responses of Its okay and You did what you had to do.These patients do not need sympathy, because they have been judged enough throughout their lives. When care teams approach them without judgment, they honor the sacrifices these heroes have made.VITAS hospice care provides compassionate care approaches that are tailored to meet the distinctive needs of Vietnam veterans. With the Veterans Administration (VA) offering hospice care as part of its medical package, VITAS team members can provide empathetic psychosocial support, while utilizing clinical solutions that help manage symptoms.The qualifications for veterans to receive hospice benefits include: A life-limiting illness Treatment goals that focus on comfort, rather than curative treatments A life expectancy of 6 months or less, if their illness runs its normal course Veterans also benefit from the option to receive concurrent care through the VA. The VA can provide curative treatments as the patient simultaneously receives symptom-managing comfort care administered by the hospice care provider of their choosing.Offering solace, while remaining compassionate when patients need it most, is too often overlooked in the busy practice of healthcare. Acknowledging the adversity that Vietnam War veterans have had to face throughout their lifetimes and adapting care approaches to meet their needs is the best way for healthcare providers to give back to those who have sacrificed so much for the preservation of freedom.1Paton, C. (2018, January 2). Benzodiazepines and disinhibition: A review: Psychiatric bulletin. Cambridge Core. Retrieved November 2, 2022, from https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/psychiatric-bulletin/article/benzodiazepines-and-disinhibition-a-review/421AF197362B55EDF004700452BF3BC6

Preparing Your Loved Ones Home for Sale

Selling a home that has been lived in for many years can be a difficult process whether a loved one has passed or is just moving into a nursing home.  Many memories have been made that hold a multitude of emotions and it is hard to let it all go.  Here are a few steps to help ease the stress of preparing your loved ones home for sale.Be PatientIf time isnt of the essence put a 60-90 day freeze on all decision making.  During that time leave everything in the home as-is except for expiring food, medicines, and anything else that could leave a bad odor.  This hold-over time period will give friends and family time to grieve, time to process the options, and time to remember the home exactly how it was while your loved one still lived there.Get Expert HelpA lawyer should be one of your first calls as they can help get the necessary paperwork in order such as a power of attorney and will.  They can also help you navigate through probate.  Seeking legal advice about selling a home is always advised as it can greatly affect the title of the home.Next, a realtor will be able to talk about all of your options when it comes to selling. Since a realtor doesnt have any emotional attachment to the house, they will be able to be matter of fact and tell you the current market value of the home.  A realtor will also let you know which items should be updated to get the most money out of the house.DeclutterIt can be difficult to let things go, but a house must be de-personalized in order to sell for top dollar. If the process is too difficult or daunting to do on your own, you might consider hiring an estate sale company to host an estate sale. If this is the route you go, it is best to step away from the process and let the professionals do their job.If you prefer to go through items yourself, consider hiring an appraiser or specialist to look at antiques to find out their true value.  Less valuable items can be donated so you know they are going to a good home. Non-profit businesses that are usually seeking donations include Goodwill, Salvation Army, and Habitat for Humanity Restores.Update/RepairsA lived-in home will have signs of wear & tear.  At a minimum fix cracked tiles, patch holes in walls, give the home a coat of fresh neutral paint, replace burned out lightbulbs, and remove curtains to let the most light in. You might also consider installing new carpet and flooring.To get the most money out of the home, consider doing a kitchen and bathroom remodel as those spaces tend to be the biggest selling points of a house. If you dont have time for a major renovation you can update simple items such as replacing light fixtures, faucets, and hinges. In the bathrooms add a few stacked washcloths tied with a ribbon, add lightly scented candles, and buy matching bathmats & towels in a light green, blue or white tone.Your realtor might also suggest hiring a professional stager, who will bring in contemporary furniture to enhance the homes attractiveness to potential buyers.Clean, Clean, CleanOne of the last steps inside the home is to give it a good cleaning.  If you dont mind putting in the elbow grease, then begin with washing the windows, vacuuming, dusting, wiping down all surfaces, and polishing appliances. You can also consider hiring a cleaning company, who can come in and make the home sparkle in just a few hours.Curb AppealLastly, spruce up the landscaping and front entrance of the home which might have become neglected.  Trim shrubs, add flowers, mow the lawn, give the front door a fresh coat of paint, and paint faded trim.  In addition, certain buyers loan types such as FHA & VA will require rotted deck boards be replaced, that peeling paint is fixed, and any broken windows be repaired.If you are ready to take the next step in selling, call lMike Lies with Gold Compass Real Estate at 303-325-5690.

Local Services By This Author

Dayspring Villa - Christian Living Communities

Assisted Living 3777 West 26th Avenue, Denver, Colorado, 80211

Dayspring Villa is an affordable, spirit-filled assisted living community nestled between two historic North Denver neighborhoods - Sloans Lake and the Highlands. Our lovely private apartments which are individually climate controlled, feature large windows, kitchenettes and spacious bathrooms with step in showers. Our residents enjoy three chef-prepared meals per day and a plethora of life enriching activities. Care partners assist residents with medications, personal care, laundry and housekeeping. Financial options include private pay, VA Aid and Attendance, and Medicaid. Call for more information and to schedule your personalized tour.