For Friends of the Bereaved

Author

Legacy Options Funeral Home

For more information about the author, click to view their website: Legacy Options

Posted on

Jan 10, 2025

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Florida - Southwest

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People can be very supportive in the initial days after a death. There are lots of things for them to do: help to make funeral arrangements, notify other friends and family of the death, and take care of day-to-day chores. It's a matter of being friends: taking on the necessary tasks so survivors have the time and energy to actively mourn their loss.

Unfortunately, once the funeral is over, things can change dramatically. This support system can dissolve quickly as people return to their normal routines. The phone stops ringing and the bereaved may find their days and nights to be long and lonely.


How to Really Help Someone in Mourning

It's about not walking away. Granted, you may part company after the funeral but a true ally doesn't stay away long; a better-than-good ally keeps checking in with the bereaved. Being a friend in need during this time can feel very difficult.

Rachael Naomi Remen, M.D, wrote what she considers to be the focus of this grief work: "Grieving allows us to heal, to remember with love rather than pain. It is a sorting process. One by one you let go of things that are gone and you mourn for them. One by one you take hold of the things that have become a part of who you are and build again." You do that with a model of task-oriented bereavement.


The Four Tasks of Mourning

James Worden writes that the four things that must be completed in order to adjust to the death of a significant other are:

  • To accept the reality of the loss
  • To process the pain of grief
  • To adjust to a world without the deceased
  • To find an enduring connection with the deceased in the midst of embarking on a new life


Those four tasks define the work of grieving. When you choose to become an ally to someone in mourning, it becomes your responsibility to support them in achieving those things within their time frame—not yours.


In no way should you impose a limit on the amount of time their bereavement takes; the only limitations you can set have to do with any negative behaviors you witness. Is your friend using alcohol or drugs to manage their emotions? Are their eating habits becoming destructive? Are they choosing to isolate themselves from the wider world? All those things should raise red flags. If you think their grief has overwhelmed them and set them upon a self-destructive course, it may be time to suggest they see a certified grief counselor or therapist.

Other meaningful things you can do to help them successfully adapt to their loss—again using Worden's four tasks as our guide—include:

  • Attending their loved one's funeral is just the first step in accepting the reality of the loss. Taking them to visit their loved one's grave or other place of interment to leave flowers or simply to spend time in conversation and contemplation continues this process. Never force them to go; only suggest and then support them when they agree to your suggestion.
  • Empathetic listening—listening not just with your ears but with your heart. This goes a very long way in helping them to process the pain of grief. Be willing.
  • They will have to learn to be functional in this new world without their loved one. That can involve practical assistance from you: help to pay the bills, assist with grocery shopping, or offer your support while they learn or relearn how to do something.
  • The bereaved must reintegrate their sense of self while at the same time process any changes in their beliefs, values, and assumptions about the world. Again, empathetic listening without judgment gives them a safe space to work out these significant changes in their world view.
  • Help them to find a suitable place in their emotional life for the deceased: "a place that is important but that leaves room for others" and "a place that will enable them to go on living effectively in the world". It is suggested that they envision what they would want for themselves if their grief were magically removed.


Popular writer Barbara Kingsolver penned these wise words about friendship: “The friend who holds your hand and says the wrong thing is made of dearer stuff than the one who stays away.” She's so right—never stay away because you're frightened of saying something inappropriate. In "Coping with the Loss of a Loved One", the American Cancer Society said it best: "Be there. Even if you don't know what to say, just having someone near can be very comforting."

Other simple tips include these:

 

  • Ask how the bereaved person feels and listen to the answer. Don’t assume you know how they will feel on any given day.
  • Listen and give support but don’t try to force someone if they’re not ready to talk.
  • Accept whatever feelings the person expresses. Even if you can’t imagine feeling like they do, never tell them how they should or shouldn’t feel.
  • Give reassurance without minimizing the loss. Try to have empathy with the person without assuming you know how they feel.


Author Sarah Dessen captured the nature of good listening in this passage from her book, Just Listen: “This is the problem with dealing with someone who is actually a good listener. They don’t jump in on your sentences, saving you from actually finishing them, or talk over you; allowing what you do manage to get out to be lost or altered in transit. Instead, they wait, so you have to keep going.”

So, as an ally to your bereaved friend or family member, you need to cultivate patience and the willingness to wait. You need to be watchful for signs of depression, which may include continuing thoughts of worthlessness or hopelessness, being unable to perform day-to-day activities, feelings of intense guilt, extreme weight loss, and thoughts of death or suicide. The American Cancer Society cautions that "if symptoms like these last more than 2 months after the loss, the bereaved person is likely to benefit from professional help. If the person tries to hurt him- or herself, or has a plan to do so, they need help right away."


Sources:


  1. Worden, James, Grief Counseling & Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner, 4th Edition, 2009.
  2. Bailey, J.D. "How to Help a Friend Who is Grieving", Huffington Post, 2013
  3. American Cancer Society, "Coping with the Loss of a Loved One", 2012

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When Grief Doesn't Ease

Sometimes it feels as if your bereavement will never end. You feel as if youd give anything to have the pain go away; to have the long lonely hours between nightfall and dawn pass without heartache. You are not the only grieving person who has longed for some measure of relief.In the novel, My Sisters Keeper, author Jodi Picoult wrote, There should be a statute of limitations on grief. A rule book that says it is all right to wake up crying, but only for a month. That after 42 days you will no longer turn with your heart racing, certain you have heard her call out your name.No such rule book exists. Grief counselors and therapists tell us that the length of time it takes anyone to grieve the loss of someone they held dear to them is dependent on the situation, how attached you were to the deceased, how they died, your age and gender. So many variables exist and theres absolutely no way to predict how long it will take for you to adapt to your loss.The Difference Between Normal and Complicated GriefResearch findings have led experts to come up with many differing categories of grief experience ranging from normal to complicated. Normal (or uncomplicated) grief has no timeline and encompasses a range of feelings and behaviors common after loss such as bodily distress, guilt, hostility, preoccupation with the image of the deceased, and the inability to function as one had before the loss. All are normal and present us with profound, and seemingly endless, challenges. Yet, Katherine Walsh says, Over the course of time, with average social supportmost individuals will gradually experience a diminishment of these feelings, behaviors, and sensations. So, how can you know if your bereavement is no longer within the range of normal? Ms. Walsh goes on to say, While there is no definitive time period by which this happens, if an individual or members of a family continue to experience distress intensely or for a prolonged periodor even unexpectedly years after a lossthey may benefit from treatment for complicated grief.A Useful Model for Assessment: Wordens Four Tasks of MourningThere are certain tasks that, when achieved during your bereavement, can successfully allow you to emerge on the other side of loss as a better, stronger, and more resilient individual. James Worden proposed these four tasks: To accept the reality of the loss To process the pain of grief To adjust to a world without the deceased To find an enduring connection with the deceased in the midst of embarking on a new life Instead of focusing on your bodily discomforts, feelings, and common behaviors, this model allows you to better see where you may be stuck or stalled in the adaptive process. Fortunately, Worden also gives us a list of indicators advising that "any one of these clues in and of itself may not be sufficient" for a diagnosis of complicated grief. "However," he continues, "any of theseshould be taken seriously, and the diagnosis of complicated grief should be considered when they appear."12 Clues... 12 InsightsWhile grief educators and theorists tell us that a diagnosis of complicated grief should not even be attempted until after the first anniversary of the death, if any one of the following symptomatic clues exists for longer than six months, you may want to consider grief counseling or grief therapy: You cannot speak of the deceased without experiencing intense and fresh grief long after the loss. A relatively minor event triggers an intense grief reaction. Your conversations with others are littered with references to loss. In other words, loss is an ever-present motif in your world view. You have issues related to your loved one's possessions. Keeping everything the same as before their death could indicate trouble just as tossing out everything right away can also be a clue to disordered mourning. (You also need to factor in your cultural and religious background) You have developed physical symptoms similar to those of the deceased before their death. Sometimes these symptoms recur annually, on the anniversary of the death, or on holidays. An increased susceptibility to illness or the development of a chronic physical complaint can also be an indicator. If you have made radical changes to your lifestyle, or excluded friends, family members, or even activities associated with the deceased, it may indicate unresolved grief. A long history of depression, often marked by guilt or low self-esteem, can reveal disordered mourning. The opposite is also true: a person experiencing a false sense of happiness or elation could be experiencing unresolved grief. A compulsion to imitate the deceased, in personality or behavior, can be a sign of complicated mourning. Having self-destructive impulses or exhibiting self-destructive behaviors can be significant. These can range from substance abuse, engaging in self-harm, developing eating disorders and suicidal tendencies. A sense of unexplained sadness occurring at a certain time each year (holidays, anniversaries, or birthdays) can also be a clue to unresolved grief. Developing a strong fear about dying, especially when it relates to the illness that took the life of your loved one, is an important clue. If you have avoided visiting your loved one's grave or if you are still unwilling to discuss the circumstances of their death, this could indicate complications in your bereavement. There are many types of complicated grief; it can be delayed, masked, exaggerated, or chronic. Self-diagnosis is without purpose. A year after the death, if you feel your grief symptoms worsening, we advise that you seek a referral from your family physician for professional grief counseling or therapy.Sources: Walsh, Katherine, Grief and Loss: Theories and Skills for the Helping Professions, 2nd Edition, 2012 Worden, James, Grief Counseling & Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner, 4th Edition, 2009

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Legacy Options Funeral Home

Cremation 16850 Oriole Road, Fort Myers, Florida, 33912

We are not your traditional funeral home. We are independently owned and family operated, with three generations working together. We don't have large visitation rooms and chapels as we feel these settings don't hold any special importance or meaning to families.  We do not feel the need to replicate what already exists in our community. Our goal is to remain right-sized, offer simple options, and do our very best to keep our costs down so that we can pass savings on to the families we serve.A traditional funeral home is not the most comfortable setting for a visitation, funeral service, or remembrance of life event. Most families prefer a venue that holds special meaning and provides solace. At Legacy Options Funeral and Cremation Services, we encourage you to use your own church or fellowship hall for whatever type of reception you choose. Or if you like, we can help you select a beautiful, tranquil setting in our Southwest Florida community.Please know when you entrust us with the care of your loved one, all of our preparations and cremation services are done within our facility, under our oversight, and according to our high standards of quality.Please see our online pricing for funeral and cremation plans. We hope Legacy Options Funeral and Cremation Services will be your choice when the time comes or when you consider planning ahead.Full-Service Funeral HomeWe strive to provide families of Southwest Florida with the most affordable, personalized memorial options in a caring atmosphere.

Legacy Options Funeral Home

Funeral Cremation & Mortuary Services 16850 Oriole Road, Fort Myers, Florida, 33912

We are not your traditional funeral home. We are independently owned and family operated, with three generations working together. We don't have large visitation rooms and chapels as we feel these settings don't hold any special importance or meaning to families.  We do not feel the need to replicate what already exists in our community. Our goal is to remain right-sized, offer simple options, and do our very best to keep our costs down so that we can pass savings on to the families we serve.A traditional funeral home is not the most comfortable setting for a visitation, funeral service, or remembrance of life event. Most families prefer a venue that holds special meaning and provides solace. At Legacy Options Funeral and Cremation Services, we encourage you to use your own church or fellowship hall for whatever type of reception you choose. Or if you like, we can help you select a beautiful, tranquil setting in our Southwest Florida community.Please know when you entrust us with the care of your loved one, all of our preparations and cremation services are done within our facility, under our oversight, and according to our high standards of quality.Please see our online pricing for funeral and cremation plans. We hope Legacy Options Funeral and Cremation Services will be your choice when the time comes or when you consider planning ahead.Full-Service Funeral HomeWe strive to provide families of Southwest Florida with the most affordable, personalized memorial options in a caring atmosphere.

Legacy Options Funeral Home

Cremation 4376 Corporate Square, Naples, Florida, 34104

We are not your traditional funeral home. We are independently owned and family operated, with three generations working together. We don't have large visitation rooms and chapels as we feel these settings don't hold any special importance or meaning to families.  We do not feel the need to replicate what already exists in our community. Our goal is to remain right-sized, offer simple options, and do our very best to keep our costs down so that we can pass savings on to the families we serve.A traditional funeral home is not the most comfortable setting for a visitation, funeral service, or remembrance of life event. Most families prefer a venue that holds special meaning and provides solace. At Legacy Options Funeral and Cremation Services, we encourage you to use your own church or fellowship hall for whatever type of reception you choose. Or if you like, we can help you select a beautiful, tranquil setting in our Southwest Florida community.Please know when you entrust us with the care of your loved one, all of our preparations and cremation services are done within our facility, under our oversight, and according to our high standards of quality.Please see our online pricing for funeral and cremation plans. We hope Legacy Options Funeral and Cremation Services will be your choice when the time comes or when you consider planning ahead.Full-Service Funeral HomeWe strive to provide families of Southwest Florida with the most affordable, personalized memorial options in a caring atmosphere.