Alzheimer’s Disease: in Memoriam Marriage

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May 03, 2016

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In sickness and in health, until death do us part; words recited with the expectation of a life-long happy marriage and a golden retirement. One day an unwelcome visitor, Alzheimers disease, shows up at the front door. We live with a spouse who has no recollection that we were once a young, active, married couple. Our spouse has becomes a person, much like a child, for whom we provide care.
We wake in the morning to toilet, dress, and make breakfast. We stay home for fear of leaving our loved one alone. Each night we listen for our loved one to get up out of bed. Sleep is illusive. Worry, stress, and overwhelm our new constant companions.
What happens when a spouse admits that he or she can no longer care for a spouse with Alzheimers disease? Blame, guilt, and shame from family, children, friends, and acquaintances is freely offered, I would never put my husband (or wife) in a homewhat are you thinking? He (or she) would never do that to you.
Until one walks in the shoes of a caregiver for a loved one with Alzheimers it is impossible to understand the day to day joys, pressures, and struggles. The caregiver and the care receiver become prisoners in their own home, opposite of the life imagined by many in retirement.
What happens when the person you married no longer recognizes you or believes you to be a friend whose name cannot be remembered? Is the marriage still a real marriage? Should the healthy spouse dedicate their life to caregiving and sacrifice what most would consider a normal life of friends, activities, and companionship?
What if the healthy spouse finds a companion outside of the marriageis that cheating? What if the Alzheimers spouse finds a companion in a care communityis that cheating? Many individuals fail to consider the realities of the isolation involved in care relationships created by Alzheimers disease that changes the dynamic of a marriage.
Who is to say if this is cheating? Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, compassion should be in the hearts of family, children, and friends to support caregivers when the unwelcome visitor of Alzheimers arrives and tosses life upside down. It is impossible to imagine the journey of caregiving and unfair to expect a caregiver to live a life of isolation.
Editors Note: Pamela D. Wilson, CSA, MS, BS/BA, CG is owner of The Care Navigator and author of the book, The Caregiving Trap: Solutions for Lifes Unexpected Changes Pamela may be reached at 720-726-3111 or by email at: [email protected]

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