Caring for Loved Ones

Author

Bellomo & Associates

For more information about the author, click to view their website: Bellomo & Associates

Posted on

Apr 05, 2023

Book/Edition

Pennsylvania - South Central PA

Share This

More and more, as our population ages, many of us are taking care of aging spouses or parents. According to the Mayo Clinic, 33% of adults provide such care. Most caregivers feel an obligation to do so out of love.

However, caregivers often find that providing that care is emotionally and physically, and often financially, draining. It is essential that caregivers know their limits. The danger is that the everyday stresses and challenges of providing such care often lead caregivers to forget about themselves, which can lead to depression, social isolation, financial difficulties, stress, fatigue, loss of interest in activities, frequent pain or headaches, and other effects.

When we get on an airplane before we take off the flight attendants always instruct passengers that, if the oxygen masks drop down, be sure to place them on you before you help others. Why? If you pass out from lack of oxygen, you cannot help anyone else, so by taking care of yourself you are in a position to care for others. This is not selfishness – it is a necessity. 

When “Mary” first came to see us, her husband of over 40 years had advanced Alzheimer’s and other physical conditions, and qualified for skilled nursing level care. Caring for him was a 24-hour job – he would wander off at all hours of the day and night, and other behaviors and

Mary needed to dispense his medications throughout the day and evening. We immediately sensed that Mary was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but this was her husband, her love, to whom she had pledged herself in sickness and in health. She could not imagine abandoning her “obligation” to him by placing him in a nursing home, and, sadly, they did not qualify for Medicaid Waiver for in-home care.

We worked hard to make her understand that caring for her husband was killing her. As we talked, it became ever clearer that she could not keep up her current pace. I asked Mary how caring for her husband was affecting her; she admitted that she was under constant stress, was depressed, didn’t have any social life, and was generally wearing down. I then asked her what would happen if she were to wear down so much that she died from overwork while caring for her husband. She was startled – she hadn’t considered that. The answer was, there would be no alternative – he would have to go to a nursing home.

It took a couple of meetings with her, but she finally came to realize that in the long run, she was not doing her husband any favors by keeping him at home; her best course of action would be to find a great nursing home for him, and visit him frequently and get stronger physically and emotionally herself so she could continue to play an important role in her husband’s life for a long time to come.

If you are going to care for a loved one in the twilight of his/her life, then there are things which you should do to maintain your physical and mental health, such as:

Seek and accept help from family and support groups, including online.

Keep connected with family, friends, even clergy.

Find out from your loved one’s medical staff, or others, what resources are available to you and your loved one.

Give yourself permission to spend “me time” to rejuvenate your physical and mental conditions – then do it! Even a short time for yourself each day can make a huge difference.

Maintain good, healthy habits.

Exercise – it improves your mood and reduces stress.

 You should consider all of your options, but always consider your needs as well as your loved one’s. Remember, to be an effective resource for your loved one, you need to put the oxygen mask on first before you can help others!

Other Articles You May Like

Estate Plan Check-Ups

Estate Plan Check-UpsEffective estate planning is personal, and its more than just deciding who to leave your assets to once you die.  Effective estate planning  is a comprehensive process that encompasses pre-need planning: health care decisions, financial management, and maintaining a delicate balance between independence and security.  Like your preventive doctor visits, you should regularly check in on your estate plan to ensure it fits your current needs, considers and plans for potential future care needs, and will give effect to your wishes now and in the future. Generally, estate planning involves creating a last will and testament, possibly a revocable trust, possibly an asset protection trust or a supplemental needs trust for a loved one who is unable to manage finances or may be vulnerable to abuse or exploitation.  Estate planning also involves important advanced directives, such as a durable financial power of attorney, a health care power of attorney, and a living will.   Creating an estate plan, or getting my affairs in order, tends to be an item on our to-do lists, for us to get done and move on to the next thing. However, while it may not be something you have to look at every month, or even every year, once your initial estate plan is completed, it is something that needs to be reviewed with some regularity.Most people get an annual physical when they are healthy, not when they are sick. They do this because they want to proactively spot any issues that could cause them to become ill in the future. The same concept can and should be applied when it comes to reviewing and updating your estate plan. Your estate plan may be healthy now, but you want to make sure that it stays that way by checking it regularly, to ensure it fits your needs and family circumstances, protects and provides for you now, and  accomplishes your goals and wishes in the future. Editors Note: This article is for informational purposes only and is not intended to be legal advice.  This article was submitted by Ashley Day, Esq.  Ashley Day Law, LLC.  Reach her at 251-277-3377. 

Nurturing Harmony in Caregiving: Open Communication and Conflict Prevention

Caring for aging parents involves crucial decisions regarding who will provide the necessary care and in what setting. However, these decisions can often give rise to conflicts among family members, particularly when one sibling assumes the role of primary caregiver. Through our work with clients and families, we frequently encounter these stressful and emotionally charged situations, creating a perfect storm for family disputes and distress.Reflecting on recent consultations with families, it becomes apparent that a key factor contributing to conflicts is the failure of aging parents to openly express their wishes and expectations regarding potential scenarios. When parents do not communicate their desires early and consistently, adult children are left to speculate about their parents preferences, leading to differences of opinion and sibling conflicts. To prevent such difficulties, we urge you to initiate conversations with your adult children about what if scenarios and discuss your wishes and preferences openly. This proactive effort can serve as your conflict prevention plan, saving you and your loved ones from engaging in conflict resolution in the future.In situations where a family member becomes a paid caregiver, it is essential to establish a formal caregiver agreement. This agreement serves multiple purposes, including clarifying the financial aspects of the care being provided. By having a caregiver agreement in place, you can prevent misunderstandings and promote a harmonious caregiving environment within your family. It ensures that everyone is on the same page and understands the expectations and parameters involved.Above all, open and honest communication is the key to fostering understanding and preventing conflicts among family members. We strongly recommend engaging in conversations early and frequently to address concerns, preferences, and potential challenges that may arise in caregiving situations. By doing so, you can promote a supportive and respectful environment where everyones needs are acknowledged and considered.At Bellomo & Associates, we believe in nurturing harmony within families facing caregiving challenges. Our experienced team is dedicated to providing comprehensive estate planning and elder law services that cater to your unique circumstances. Start the conversation with your adult children today, discussing your wishes, expectations, and potential what if scenarios. Visit our website to learn more about how we can support you and register for our free educational workshop. Let us help you pave the way for peaceful resolutions and a smoother caregiving journey.

Dealing with Deed Spam Mail

Have you recently purchased a home or made any changes to your propertys deed? Have you received an unexpected letter offering a copy of your deed for a fee? If so, youve likely encountered spam mail.Theres a company known as Land Solutions based in California that sends out Recorder of Deed Notices to individuals with newly recorded deeds. These notices claim that you can obtain a copy of your deed for a service fee of $109.00. Since the transfer of a deed is a matter of public record, they can easily access your name, address, and property information. While what theyre doing may not be a scam, we prefer to refer to it as spam. The truth is, the party responsible for transferring the deed, or even your local recorder of deeds, can provide you with a copy for a small fee or sometimes even for free. Theres no need to pay a separate company for this service.At Bellomo & Associates, many of our clients have received this type of letter, and we are delighted that they reached out to us before paying an unnecessary fee for a document we already possess on their behalf.When you receive such correspondence after making any changes, its crucial to research the company that sent it, reach out to the parties you were working with, and carefully read the fine print. In the case of these specific notices, the fine print typically states that it is not a bill but a solicitation, and you are not legally obligated to pay the amount requested.Together, we can minimize the impact of spam by working collectively and staying informed.  

Local Services By This Author

Bellomo & Associates

Estate Planning 3198 E Market St, York, Pennsylvania, 17402

We Educate so what happened to the Bellomo Family doesn't happen to yours!Our firms mission is to ensure that you and your family never needlessly, painfully suffer. Every team member has a personal story that has brought us here to advocate for you and your family. We want to replace your burden with peace of mind. We have the answers, but more important, we have your back.Bellomo & Associates, LLC advises Individuals and families, business owners, senior citizens, and their families about the estate planning and elder law challenges facing them today. For seniors and their families facing the issues of aging, or for those of any age who wish to protect their familys financial future, we counsel clients and provide solutions on Asset Protection; Specials Needs Trusts; Wills; Trust Design; Medicaid; Estate Planning; Nursing Home Matters; and Estate Administration. For our clients who own businesses, our team assists them with succession planning for their business in conjunction with their estate planning.  We have office locations in York, PA, and Lancaster, PA.We offer FREE workshops!  Our workshops are fun and entertaining ways to learn! We provide you with the information to decide what is right for you. If after attending, you decide we arent the right fit no problem! Youll never feel any pressure from our team.