Empower Your Family – Take Part in Your Planning
Mar 11, 2020
What do families do in this situation? Certainly not everyone lives to be 102, but people do run out of money. Sylvia moved to a Dallas independent care community from Florida when she was a vibrant 87 years old. And here she remains aging in place. Sylvia lived through the proceeds of her sold Florida condominium, has a small pension and social security for her rent, and is now dependent on family for 100% of her other support. As a family we had to divide the tasks needed to retain her quality of life. One brother agreed to take care of food, transportation and incidental costs and the other brother (and me) are financially responsible for her care.
I am the first to admit the costliness of non-medical home care. In retrospect, saving for retirement is a must for everyone, but unfortunately, we all dont plan and prepare for living long lives. And when we do, things happen that can quickly drain our money. Further, when you reach 102 you cannot be left alone so 24-hour care is required which is a huge financial drain. Of course, friction in the family over money does occur and not everyone can get on the same page. If only we had a frank discussion with Sylvia during her lucid times to discuss alternative living situations, Medicaid if necessary, starting a savings account earlier in retirement, or moving in with one of the children, which truly would not have been an option. We did discuss moving to an assisted living community, but she did not like the idea at all. Sylvia did not want to move because she loved her life in her community.
Here we are today; Sylvia has periods of lucidity when she remembers our names. She is in a happier place than she had been in for several years. When she was in her 90s, she was angry, possessive of her belongings, her sight and hearing were failing, and her friends were passing away. In a nutshell, Sylvia was depressed and had an argument for everything. She refused all help with her care, mood elevating medications, and over time, we decided to leave her alone. But then Sylvia had a bad fall, lost her lucidity, and she became completely accepting of care. She became very happy. Now, she has around the clock caregivers (who by the way, do not know they are taking care of their boss mother-in-law), and with her great attitude, agreeing with everything, and appetite, she may live another 102 years.
What is the take home message here? Families should agree early in the aging process that they are all in to take on whatever task they may be best at: supplies, mail, bills, transportation, care. Discuss whether Medicaid is in their future or other means of supplemental income. Many seniors dont like to discuss their aging or afterlife plans, but from my experience, this conversation must occur. Discussing these issues during the aging process will put your senior in control by being involved in making these plans. Believe it or not, this can be an empowering tool for everyone because the plan is structured and in place.
Editors Note: This article was written by Dr. Nancy Oppenheimer-Marks, owner of Home Instead Senior Care Dallas.
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