Finding Balance in the Sandwich Generation: Aging Parents and Your New Life

Author

Greeley Village

Posted on

Jan 25, 2022

Book/Edition

Colorado - Northern Colorado

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How to Balance Aging Parents, Work & Children
If youve got aging parents who need more care and children youre raising in your life at the same time, welcome to the Sandwich Generation! Its really hard navigating how to manage aging parents, and even harder when youve also got kids and a spouse who need your time. There are so many layers of stress and responsibility to caring for aging parents that you can prepare for, but when the time comes, no one feels ready.
Health issues (yours and your parents) become bigger, more serious, and have longer recovery times, requiring more care that may be beyond your abilities. Our parents may be experiencing memory or dementia issues, which can impact their cognitive abilities. They move slower, think slower. Every action requires more of your time and effortand patienceand you already have a full plate of responsibilities, between work, kids, and spouses. And then both you and your parent(s) have to realize and accept that this is happening. Your parent is getting older and isnt mentally or physically capable of doing the things youre both used to them being able to do on their own. How do you do it?
How do you balance out the feeling that youre being pulled in a million directions at once?
How do you take care of yourself and everyone else? How do you decide when its time for your aging parent to move into assisted living, and how do you have that conversation with them? Should you choose assisted living or independent living? Are the options for independent living enough for your parent, or do you need more specialized care like memory care?
Caring for aging parents can be really hard. Lets talk about how to get through this new chapter in both of your lives.
How and When to Start Talking about Big Decisions for the Care of Aging Parents
For many families,the roles of child and parent will reverse. It doesnt often happen quickly. And when the reversal comes, one of the hardest pills to swallow is when we come to the realization that parents are becoming less capable of making big or small (or sometimes both) decisions for themselves.
Ideally, you want to start having conversations about the big decisions with your parents wishes early, before a health problem or other crisis arises that forces everyone to make decisions out of fear and urgency, that might not be the best for them or you. When you start seeing the signs, including the big logistical topics, you want to make sure you are on the same page about: a living will, a last will and testament (to distribute assets); and a funeral plan.

There are also a myriad of less well-defined, more emotional topics that you need to address when taking care of aging parents, that you and your parents also need to talk about. Here are just a few we recommend addressing.

The Most Important Thing to an Aging Parent: Independence
The most difficult part about your parents getting older, for you and for them, is the loss of independence. Think about how it feels when you get sick or injure yourself and you are forced to rely on others to do the simplest tasks. Often, the thing that keeps you going is knowing that youll recover and be able to return to your normal activities. When age forces a longer recovery, or brings with it an injury or degenerative disease in which there is no recovery, routines and habits have to change to adapt and sometimes also comes the need for assistance. This loss of independence can be devastating for your parents and add a whole new set of responsibilities for you and your entire family.
When its time for them to stop driving, or when it becomes clear to you that they cant live without assistance anymore, for you, its a matter of concern for their safety. For them, its the loss of control and freedom to do their own thing, go where they want, when they want to. There is a loss of individuality and can cause a sense of isolation from the people and activities they once enjoyed as fully capable adults. It is important to be patient and understanding when addressing your parents loss of independence. Caring for aging parents isnt just about attending to their physical needs; you have to be sensitive to and have compassion for how hard these changes are for them, catering to emotional needs and their social wellness, too.
The loss of independence is felt most strongly by the parent who recognizes your roles have reversed. You are now having to care for them the way they used to care for you. Framing care decisions in a way that looks less like youre telling them what to do and more like making decisions together can make the path forward easier and leaves the parent feeling as if theyre maintaining independence and have a voice in their choice of care.
In an assisted living setting, your parents can still feel a sense of independence, with the added benefit of a full professional staff who can help when needed. Our staff can keep an eye on how they are managing daily living tasks like eating meals and hygiene without being intrusive or forcing them to admit problems that they might be embarrassed to discuss with their children.
The Second Most Important Thing to An Aging Parent: Relevance
With the loss of independence, frequently comes the loss of feeling needed or relevant. Without the ability to do things for themselves and the freedom to participate in activities freely, they may feel like they haveno sense of purpose anymore. It is important to your ability to care for aging parents to attend to their social wellness by helping them find ways to engage. Whether its finding groups that do activities together, volunteering at hospitals or animal shelters, or getting them involved with your familys activities, their social wellness can be just as important as their physical wellness.
Simply talking with them and consulting them and keeping them involved in family life as much as you can or talking about their care and health can go a long way to help them feel like they still matter. Even engaging them in your kids school work or projects can give them the opportunity to share their wisdom and knowledge and gives your kids the chance to learn about who they are and why. Finding ways to make them feel relevant can go a long way to improving social wellness in seniors.
When they are residents of Cadence Living, their voice counts in every aspect of their care for as long as theyre able to make sound, reasonable decisions if not, well turn to designated decision makers, like children from their family of origin or family of choice, for help. Theyll be included in activities with their peers, and will be kept engaged. Well even explore therapies such as music therapy to make sure their social wellness is included in their overall care.

How to Manage Aging Parents Who Refuse Help
Parents who refuse help may be one of the hardest challenges when it comes to how to manage aging parents. The conversation about your parents needing help isnt an easy one to have. They may fight the idea and push back, even if it really is for the best for all involved.
So, how to manage aging parents who refuse help? Its a really tricky thing to navigate! It takes patience, empathy, and sometimes difficult decisions on the part of the caretaker especially if the signs are clear that it is time to either get help in the home or for them to move into assisted living, but the parent is not seeing the signs or is not ready to acknowledge the time has come. It can be a huge step for them to accept that they need more care than they have. And how you approach the topic can make all the difference when its time to get help.

Make sure your parents know thatyou are on their side, that you want whats best for them, and that moving into assisted living is not a punishment.
Consider offering options, allowing them to be the final decision-maker.
Focus on the positive aspects of assisted living for them, from having trained professionals nearby 24 hours a day to assist with medical and crisis care to having someone else there to make their meals, to having an entire community of peers to participate in activities with.
Dont dismiss their feelings; really listen to their concerns. Be compassionate to their fears and be patient with them.
Especially if there are cognitive issues, remember that they are not the same parents they used to be, and they may need time to adjust to the idea of moving into assisted living.
Highlight the benefits of having entertainment options like craft days, group exercise classes or music therapy options that cater to them and their social wellness especially if their level of activity has changed radically because of physical limitations.

The Most Important Thing for You: Setting Boundaries and Self-Care
With all thats going on with taking care of aging parents, how do you have anything left for your kids and spouse? What about your job or any other responsibilities that already had your life full before it became clear your parents needed more care? As part of the Sandwich Generation, you are not alone in this constantpush and pull of your time and energy. If there was ever a time in your life when you needed to set boundaries and make sure you are taking care of yourself, now is it!

Do not try to do this alone. Get the whole family involvednot just the ones who live with you. Sit everyone, parents and kids, down and talk about how everyone can play a role in keeping the family together and caring for each other. Even little ones have an opportunity to learn how to be kind and patient with their grandparentsand you!
Take time for yourself, away from everyone else. Even if its just an hour to go for a walk or to sit in your car and cry, there are few emergencies that warrant interruptions when you need to take a break.
Do your best to eat a healthy diet and get some exercise every day.
Sleep can be hard when theres so much stress, but lack of sleep can have a tremendous impact on your ability to be patient and think clearly; the two tools you need most right now.
Be open with your spouse, parents and children about the finances so that everyone understands the situation and how it will affect them.
Include your needs in the conversation about moving into assisted living. Boundaries and self-care should be part of the conversation, especially if youre still working on how to help aging parents who refuse help. Most aging parents will tell you that they do not want to be a burden; its a huge part of why they are fighting so hard for their independence. Surely they want you to be able to take care of your children and yourself, and assisted living can offer the support both of you need.

The Final Most Important Thing for You: Coping Mechanisms and Humor
Youre going to need to find outlets to process your care for aging parents. Sometimes youll need a way to navigate an uncomfortable conversation, sometimes it will help you both to stop dwelling on the hardships.

Have a sense of humor about the reversal of roles; the situations that could otherwise be embarrassing for both of you; help you and them find ways to laugh through the hard moments.
Focus on activities you enjoy doing together. Going on nature walks? Cooking? Shopping? Museums? Whatever it is, as long as you can still do things together, you have the opportunity to create great memories that will become important to you as time passes and their aging progresses. And asking for advice on things important to the parent (like a favorite recipe or cleaning tip) can give joy to your parent and useful information to you.
Keep your coping mechanisms for handling stress handy; youll need them. Whether its meditation or yoga, taking a walk, reading a book or a 20-minute nap, there will be times when you need to disconnect and take care of yourself, so that you can better care for those around you.

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Planning to Live as an Elder Orphan or Solo Ager

Marita Ellers* was lucky. Her parents lived three blocks away in Greater Detroit. She enjoyed a close relationship with them and could tend to their needs as they continued to age, which was well into their 90s. They both passed away when Marita entered her 60s as she helped with their hospice care needs. But having never married, and with only a chronically ill brother and sister-in-law living in Seattle, reality set in when Marita needed major surgery which would incapacitate her for weeks or possibly months.Unlike her parents who had her to depend on, Marita had no one. Of course there was her circle of friends, but as it turned out most were married. Shed never thought about cultivating relationships with single people; it had just never occurred to her. Her married friends had busy lives of their own with spouses, adult children, and grandchildren, and the last thing Marita wanted to do was impose on them during a long recuperation.Ellers is part of a growing trend of elder orphans and solo agers: individuals ages 55-plus who live alone without a spouse, partner, children, or other family around at all, or if they are around, they cannot be relied upon sometimes due to family dynamics. In short, these individuals have no real support networkno safety net. In a survey of 500 elder orphans, nearly 70 percent hadnt identified someone to help them with health problems, while 35 percent had no friends or family to begin with who could help.Studies show the demographics numbers are on the rise and the group is so ubiquitous, it even has its own Facebook page with nearly 10,000 members to provide support through shared experiences. If you fall into this category, what are some of the steps you can take to prepare for successful aging?Planning to Live as a Solo AgerThe best kind of plan for almost anything is, naturally, to plan. If we dont do that, we may leave critical decisions to disconnected relatives, acquaintances, or ultimately overburdened, court-appointed strangers who have no idea what we need and want. Considering herself staunchly independent, Maritas lack of planning was twofold: she was in denial about her own aging process, and at the same time she figured the experience of seeing her parents through lifes end stages would enable her to apply all that knowledge to herself if the time came.While in some respects her experience puts her a step ahead of many of her contemporaries, her reasoning does not allow for what can happen when her mobility is compromised, cognitive capacity is diminished, or myriad other conditions where she may need more help than she can give to herself. Maritas upcoming surgery was a wake-up call, making her acutely aware of what steps she should have taken and scrambling to put as many as possible in place.Understand the Levels Between Senior Independence and Assisted LivingYesface things and research them, laying them out as early and comprehensively as you can. Avoidance will only get you so far. The antidote for anxiety, feeling isolated, and depressionthree issues elder orphans and solo agers have expressed are problems for themis action. Goethe said, Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid. Keren Brown Wilson, known as the pioneer of assisted living, says there are many steps and levels between independence and dependence. She recommends interdependence: a mutual reliance on one another on the path to better aging.Think about trained caregivers for when you may need help with activities of daily living (ADLs) and a fiduciary or senior care advisor for your financial needs including Long-Term Care insurance. Go out and cultivate friendships if you dont already have them with other elder orphans or solo agers. People in similar situations may have more time to give you if the need arises, as you can give to them.Build a Senior Support Network That WorksIf you dont know how to go about something, network with people in your community. This may include professionals and others you know at work, where you volunteer, doctors, dentists, lawyers, librarians, teachers, salon and store owners, as well as neighbors. We all age and ahead of that most of us have aging parents or had parents who got up in years. That kind of personal experience is invaluable in terms of recommending others they trust who can help you put things in order now and down the line.Communities for Successful AgingGet Involved!With the rising tide of graying Baby Boomers, city and business leaders and policymakers need to embrace the task of developing solutions for better aging. This needs to be done on a nationwide basis. 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8 Tips for Family Members Caring for a Senior Loved One from Far Away

Until 100 years ago, many people never traveled more than 10 miles from the home in which they were born or lived in when they got married, which was usually down the street or the next farm over. Families remained grouped together for many reasons, including having emigrated from a foreign country and starting a new life together. There was strength in numbers: both economic advantages and in perpetuating long-held traditions that would tie loved ones together in the face of new challenges. Where seniors were concerned, the expectation that younger family members would always care for them was impliedand something not all that difficult if people were living within steps of one another.Clearly things have changed, and adult children can be hundreds and thousands of miles away from aging parents. This can make it challenging to determine changes in physical, mental and emotional health, often leading to stress and guilt. While long-distance caregiving isnt always the answer, there are things families can do to help ensure their senior loved ones needs are monitored and met.1   Hold a Family Meeting to Plan In-Home Care for a Senior Loved OneFirst, organizationally, if there are multiple adult children and other family members that can provide long-distance care, have a family meetingin person or video chatto decide what everyones strengths and skillsets are and what their availability is. Tantamount to that, realistically evaluate how much each can do, knowing that a trusted neighbor or someone else outside the family and local to the senior may need to be hired to fill in any gaps.If a family member is better at managing finances, for example, s/he should assume that responsibility when the time comes, always with written permission. A Merrill Lynch study revealed about 92 percent of family caregivers are managing their loved ones finances, including monitoring and paying bills from bank accounts, handling insurance claims, filing taxes, and overseeing investments.2   Communicate with Your Aging Loved One Every DayIts important to check in with an aging parent every day, even several times a day depending on the state of health, particularly if that individual lives alone. If the senior is adept at technology, FaceTime or other forms of video chat are always preferable as visuals are a useful tool in gauging changes. Today there are a variety of simpler forms of senior-friendly video call apps and devices available. These include but are not limited to the Jitterbug Smart3, GrandPad, and CallGenie (British-based product now available in the U.S.).3   Connect Regularly with Your Beloved Seniors Healthcare ProvidersSchedule regular calls with physicians, visiting nurses, and/or others for up-to-date information about you loved ones health and evolving needs. If an in-home senior care agency is involved, consistent updates should be part of the protocol.4   Set Up a Personal Emergency Response System to Maintain a Seniors IndependenceSometimes dubbed high-tech guardian angels, personal emergency response systems (PERS) support safe and independent living. At the touch of a button (or in some cases by voice activation) an immediate notification is sent to first responders when a fall or other medical emergency is detected. PERS devices can be worn by the senior as a pendant, or a unit can be set up strategically inside the home to provide 24/7 monitoring services.5   Obtain a Smart Pill Dispenser for Medication ManagementAs people age, memory can be affected with issues that include failure to take medication or not recalling if a dose was taken or not. Multiple medications are also a byproduct of aging and facing an array of bottles every day can be confusing and disorienting for seniors. A user-friendly solution lies in medication management with automatic pill dispensers, as these smart devices for healthcare can do so much more than hold apportioned pills in a little plastic box. Smart pill devices organize medications and ensure the correct dose is dispensed at the right time, and some can also notify the caregiver if a dose is missed.6   Explore Alternative Senior Living ArrangementsIs an aging parent amenable to moving closer to adult children? Independent living and assisted living fall under the broad banner of senior living communities and can make the stress that accompanies long-distance caregiving a thing of the past. Many seniors and their families are unsure where to start their search for assisted living and other senior housing options.7   Plan More Frequent Visits to Keep Tabs on Your Elderly Loved Ones WelfareWork, raising families, community responsibilities, and everything else can make life overwhelming today. But if a parent or grandparent is aging, theres no better way to monitor needs than to visit as often as possibleeven for a long weekend now and then. If there are multiple adult siblings or young adult grandchildren, spreading the visits out among family members can ease the burden of constant traveling and help ensure changes in health and mobility do not go undetected.Besides, the opportunity to spend time with mom or dad in their sunset years is precious, and something you will never have again. In your effort to monitor things and provide support, which no one argues can be time consuming and stressful, make sure to slow down and listen. As the saying goes, When a senior dies, a library closes.8   Ask for Information and Guidance from a Trusted Senior ResourceKnow that an Amada Senior Care advisor has the expertise and knowledge to assist without obligation as families with aging loves ones navigate their senior care journey. Click HERE to find an Amada office near you or call (866) 752-1961.

The Power of Touch

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Local Services By This Author

Greeley Village

Memory Care 1090 43rd Avenue, Greeley, Colorado, 80634

Greeley Village

Assisted Living 1090 43rd Avenue, Greeley, Colorado, 80634

Greeley Village is a thriving senior living community where our highly experienced and supportive staff make residents feel cared for and right at home. What makes Greeley Village a special place? Besides being designed from top to bottom with the latest amenities, programming and health services that todays seniors want, Greeley Village learned to cultivate a vibrant lifestyle for engaged living. Our people, places and programs work in harmony to create experiences that delight residents and help our community thrive. Our creative and progressive approach focuses on health, wellness and living styles that respect individual preferences, while providing supportive services that encourage people to live their best lifeat any age and in the way they choose.