Finding Balance in the Sandwich Generation: Aging Parents and Your New Life
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If youve got aging parents who need more care and children youre raising in your life at the same time, welcome to the Sandwich Generation! Its really hard navigating how to manage aging parents, and even harder when youve also got kids and a spouse who need your time. There are so many layers of stress and responsibility to caring for aging parents that you can prepare for, but when the time comes, no one feels ready.
Health issues (yours and your parents) become bigger, more serious, and have longer recovery times, requiring more care that may be beyond your abilities. Our parents may be experiencing memory or dementia issues, which can impact their cognitive abilities. They move slower, think slower. Every action requires more of your time and effortand patienceand you already have a full plate of responsibilities, between work, kids, and spouses. And then both you and your parent(s) have to realize and accept that this is happening. Your parent is getting older and isnt mentally or physically capable of doing the things youre both used to them being able to do on their own. How do you do it?
How do you balance out the feeling that youre being pulled in a million directions at once?
How do you take care of yourself and everyone else? How do you decide when its time for your aging parent to move into assisted living, and how do you have that conversation with them? Should you choose assisted living or independent living? Are the options for independent living enough for your parent, or do you need more specialized care like memory care?
Caring for aging parents can be really hard. Lets talk about how to get through this new chapter in both of your lives.
How and When to Start Talking about Big Decisions for the Care of Aging Parents
For many families,the roles of child and parent will reverse. It doesnt often happen quickly. And when the reversal comes, one of the hardest pills to swallow is when we come to the realization that parents are becoming less capable of making big or small (or sometimes both) decisions for themselves.
Ideally, you want to start having conversations about the big decisions with your parents wishes early, before a health problem or other crisis arises that forces everyone to make decisions out of fear and urgency, that might not be the best for them or you. When you start seeing the signs, including the big logistical topics, you want to make sure you are on the same page about: a living will, a last will and testament (to distribute assets); and a funeral plan.
There are also a myriad of less well-defined, more emotional topics that you need to address when taking care of aging parents, that you and your parents also need to talk about. Here are just a few we recommend addressing.
The Most Important Thing to an Aging Parent: Independence
The most difficult part about your parents getting older, for you and for them, is the loss of independence. Think about how it feels when you get sick or injure yourself and you are forced to rely on others to do the simplest tasks. Often, the thing that keeps you going is knowing that youll recover and be able to return to your normal activities. When age forces a longer recovery, or brings with it an injury or degenerative disease in which there is no recovery, routines and habits have to change to adapt and sometimes also comes the need for assistance. This loss of independence can be devastating for your parents and add a whole new set of responsibilities for you and your entire family.
When its time for them to stop driving, or when it becomes clear to you that they cant live without assistance anymore, for you, its a matter of concern for their safety. For them, its the loss of control and freedom to do their own thing, go where they want, when they want to. There is a loss of individuality and can cause a sense of isolation from the people and activities they once enjoyed as fully capable adults. It is important to be patient and understanding when addressing your parents loss of independence. Caring for aging parents isnt just about attending to their physical needs; you have to be sensitive to and have compassion for how hard these changes are for them, catering to emotional needs and their social wellness, too.
The loss of independence is felt most strongly by the parent who recognizes your roles have reversed. You are now having to care for them the way they used to care for you. Framing care decisions in a way that looks less like youre telling them what to do and more like making decisions together can make the path forward easier and leaves the parent feeling as if theyre maintaining independence and have a voice in their choice of care.
In an assisted living setting, your parents can still feel a sense of independence, with the added benefit of a full professional staff who can help when needed. Our staff can keep an eye on how they are managing daily living tasks like eating meals and hygiene without being intrusive or forcing them to admit problems that they might be embarrassed to discuss with their children.
The Second Most Important Thing to An Aging Parent: Relevance
With the loss of independence, frequently comes the loss of feeling needed or relevant. Without the ability to do things for themselves and the freedom to participate in activities freely, they may feel like they haveno sense of purpose anymore. It is important to your ability to care for aging parents to attend to their social wellness by helping them find ways to engage. Whether its finding groups that do activities together, volunteering at hospitals or animal shelters, or getting them involved with your familys activities, their social wellness can be just as important as their physical wellness.
Simply talking with them and consulting them and keeping them involved in family life as much as you can or talking about their care and health can go a long way to help them feel like they still matter. Even engaging them in your kids school work or projects can give them the opportunity to share their wisdom and knowledge and gives your kids the chance to learn about who they are and why. Finding ways to make them feel relevant can go a long way to improving social wellness in seniors.
When they are residents of Cadence Living, their voice counts in every aspect of their care for as long as theyre able to make sound, reasonable decisions if not, well turn to designated decision makers, like children from their family of origin or family of choice, for help. Theyll be included in activities with their peers, and will be kept engaged. Well even explore therapies such as music therapy to make sure their social wellness is included in their overall care.
How to Manage Aging Parents Who Refuse Help
Parents who refuse help may be one of the hardest challenges when it comes to how to manage aging parents. The conversation about your parents needing help isnt an easy one to have. They may fight the idea and push back, even if it really is for the best for all involved.
So, how to manage aging parents who refuse help? Its a really tricky thing to navigate! It takes patience, empathy, and sometimes difficult decisions on the part of the caretaker especially if the signs are clear that it is time to either get help in the home or for them to move into assisted living, but the parent is not seeing the signs or is not ready to acknowledge the time has come. It can be a huge step for them to accept that they need more care than they have. And how you approach the topic can make all the difference when its time to get help.
Make sure your parents know thatyou are on their side, that you want whats best for them, and that moving into assisted living is not a punishment.
Consider offering options, allowing them to be the final decision-maker.
Focus on the positive aspects of assisted living for them, from having trained professionals nearby 24 hours a day to assist with medical and crisis care to having someone else there to make their meals, to having an entire community of peers to participate in activities with.
Dont dismiss their feelings; really listen to their concerns. Be compassionate to their fears and be patient with them.
Especially if there are cognitive issues, remember that they are not the same parents they used to be, and they may need time to adjust to the idea of moving into assisted living.
Highlight the benefits of having entertainment options like craft days, group exercise classes or music therapy options that cater to them and their social wellness especially if their level of activity has changed radically because of physical limitations.
The Most Important Thing for You: Setting Boundaries and Self-Care
With all thats going on with taking care of aging parents, how do you have anything left for your kids and spouse? What about your job or any other responsibilities that already had your life full before it became clear your parents needed more care? As part of the Sandwich Generation, you are not alone in this constantpush and pull of your time and energy. If there was ever a time in your life when you needed to set boundaries and make sure you are taking care of yourself, now is it!
Do not try to do this alone. Get the whole family involvednot just the ones who live with you. Sit everyone, parents and kids, down and talk about how everyone can play a role in keeping the family together and caring for each other. Even little ones have an opportunity to learn how to be kind and patient with their grandparentsand you!
Take time for yourself, away from everyone else. Even if its just an hour to go for a walk or to sit in your car and cry, there are few emergencies that warrant interruptions when you need to take a break.
Do your best to eat a healthy diet and get some exercise every day.
Sleep can be hard when theres so much stress, but lack of sleep can have a tremendous impact on your ability to be patient and think clearly; the two tools you need most right now.
Be open with your spouse, parents and children about the finances so that everyone understands the situation and how it will affect them.
Include your needs in the conversation about moving into assisted living. Boundaries and self-care should be part of the conversation, especially if youre still working on how to help aging parents who refuse help. Most aging parents will tell you that they do not want to be a burden; its a huge part of why they are fighting so hard for their independence. Surely they want you to be able to take care of your children and yourself, and assisted living can offer the support both of you need.
The Final Most Important Thing for You: Coping Mechanisms and Humor
Youre going to need to find outlets to process your care for aging parents. Sometimes youll need a way to navigate an uncomfortable conversation, sometimes it will help you both to stop dwelling on the hardships.
Have a sense of humor about the reversal of roles; the situations that could otherwise be embarrassing for both of you; help you and them find ways to laugh through the hard moments.
Focus on activities you enjoy doing together. Going on nature walks? Cooking? Shopping? Museums? Whatever it is, as long as you can still do things together, you have the opportunity to create great memories that will become important to you as time passes and their aging progresses. And asking for advice on things important to the parent (like a favorite recipe or cleaning tip) can give joy to your parent and useful information to you.
Keep your coping mechanisms for handling stress handy; youll need them. Whether its meditation or yoga, taking a walk, reading a book or a 20-minute nap, there will be times when you need to disconnect and take care of yourself, so that you can better care for those around you.
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Passions Grow, Passions Bloom: Cultivating Wellness at Willow Valley Communities Among the most popular passions at Willow Valley Communities is gardening. And, Residents here have a wide variety of ways to indulge. Three generous gardens are situated across our sprawling 210-acre campus for Residents to use in a multitude of configurations of their choosing. Willow Valley Communities hardworking Grounds Team tills each garden in the spring and plows them in the fall, making them ready for Residents to dig right in. Whether Residents are experienced pros or novices, gardening is a wonderful way for them to get outside, enjoy nature and each other, and learn new things. Some Residents have been gardening for decades, while others have only started gardening after moving to Willow Valley Communities. In keeping with our Life Lived Forward philosophy, some Willow Valley Communities Residents take their love of gardening to deeper levels. For example, several Residents from across the country have achieved the distinction of Master Gardener. Master Gardeners are certified in their home state, and the program can take six months to a year to complete and includes a minimum of 40 hours of classroom training, a score of 80 percent on the final exam, and 50 hours of volunteer service. In another example, Residents Annabelle Simpson and Susan Kelly worked with the Penn State Extension of the Pennsylvania State University to have one of their gardens certified as an official Pennsylvania Pollinator-Friendly Garden. The stunning garden is well-known for attracting huge numbers of bees, butterflies, insects, and birds, helping our ecosystem to thrive. Residents are also able to partner their gardening skills with their desire to volunteer and give back to the Lancaster community. With the areas rich, fertile soil, and the extra special care and attention the plants receive, Residents often have an abundance of vegetables and donate them regularly. Throughout the growing season, the Solanco Neighborhood Ministries food bank receives a variety of beans, lettuce, kale, peas, carrots, eggplant, cucumbers, peppers, tomatoes, spinach, and much more from Willow Valley Communities Resident gardens. Additionally, every fall, a harvest of hundreds of pounds of sweet potatoes and butternut squash goes to the Lancaster County Food Hub, a community resource for free, nutritious food and gently used clothing. Some Residents maintain gardening plots every year just for this purpose.Annabelle Simpson and Susan Kelly Gardening time is couple time for Residents Mike and Susan Ziegler. Sue is an avid gardener, and Mike loves being outdoors supporting her gardening passion at Willow Valley Communities. They both love being together in nature, and Sue is amazed by how magical gardening can be. Its just a miracle when the seeds come up, she says. Resident Pat Mortensen challenges herself every year by growing something completely different. Once she enjoyed a robust harvest of King Tut Purple Peas, a very rare garden pea said to have been taken out of the tomb of King Tut! Resident and Master Gardener Angela Booker-White is originally from Virginia but has lived all over the country. Her interest in gardening grew as she read and learned more about it. In her plot at Spring Run, Angela grows all sorts of fruits, vegetables, and flowers and always tries something new. She has the most success with seeds she purchases from the dollar store! Angela has also learned how gardening can help during challenging times. She is grateful to her garden, as well as to her fellow Willow Valley Communities gardeners, for helping her during the difficult time of her husbands unexpected passing. Gardeners, and she doesnt know exactly who, would come and help by doing extra work around her plot. Residents just came in and helped, Angela says. Weeding, cutting, trimming, harvesting whatever work needed to be done. Thats the way Residents are here at Willow Valley Communities: very supportive. Resident Keith Yoder, who coordinates the Spring Run Garden, is not at all surprised by the variety of gardeners at Willow Valley Communities or by the reasons they enjoy the activity so much. He agrees that gardening is definitely a hobby that enhances well-being. Though hes known this himself for years, he refers to an article put out by CNBC that states how gardening can add years to your life. And life to your years, Keith adds. Gardening gets you into nature. Its good exercise for your body and your mind plus, you get to eat what you grow!
Pampering for Self-care & Wellness
The Willow Valley Communities Day Spa is a destination for wellness and renewal. Its a critical component of the comprehensive Mind, Body, Spirit approach to wellness of Willow Valley Communities. The Day Spa offers many ways to soothe, calm, invigorate, or rejuvenate. A full range of professional services, all performed by our attentive and inviting staff, allows Residents to create their own regimen for personal well-being and beauty. These services include manicures and pedicures, skin care, facials, revitalizing peels, waxing, tanning, microdermabrasion, and body treatments with a wide range of different massage modalities, wraps, and scrubs. The Relaxation Room, with its beautiful waterfall and Himalayan Salt Wall, is a main feature of The Day Spa. It provides a peaceful and well-appointed environment in which to relax and offers a perfect and welcome respite between services. Himalayan salt rich in negative ions and essential nutrients and minerals offers numerous health benefits for our bodies, such as stress reduction, energy increases, and mood boosts at a biochemical level. Day Spa Manager Diamando Wallace says, Self-care is essential. Although manicures and pedicures are a well-deserved treat, they offer so much more to Residents sense of well-being. You can see the boost in a clients self-confidence as they walk out feeling refreshed. Massages are one of the most popular services requested by Residents, and The Day Spa offers a wide menu of options, including hot stone and aromatherapy. Emily Ransing, Willow Valley Communities Day Spa Massage Therapist, says, Massage is meant to enhance your well-being physically and mentally. I frequently remind my clients that this is their time to focus on themselves to feel healthier. I do all I can to send each client home feeling better than when they arrived. A Willow Valley Communities Resident was asked about her massage as she was leaving The Day Spa one afternoon. She said, After a massage with Emily, your body is so relaxed that you can focus on the things that you often overlook the air is sweeter, the birds are more melodious, the day is brighter. You are better equipped to face the next days, whatever they may bring. As she walked out of the Cultural Center to her car, she added with a smile, Its also a way to take the tension out of your body although theres not much tension at Willow Valley Communities!
Can Family Members Get Paid to Care for Aging Parents
Learn how Minnesota family members may be able to receive payment for caring for an aging parent through self-directed care and how PICS helps families manage the process. For many Minnesota families, caring for an aging parent begins gradually.Maybe you start by picking up groceries once a week. Then you begin driving Mom to medical appointments, organizing medications or helping with laundry. Before long, you may be preparing meals, helping with personal care, checking in every day and rearranging your own work schedule around your parent's needs.At some point, many families ask an important question:Can a family member actually get paid for providing this care?In Minnesota, the answer may be yes.Depending on your loved one's needs, financial eligibility and the program they qualify for, certain self-directed care programs can allow family members or other trusted individuals to be paid for providing approved caregiving services.For families trying to help an older adult remain safely at home, understanding these options can make a significant difference.What Is Self-Directed Care?Traditional home care usually involves an agency hiring caregivers and determining who will provide services.Self-directed care works differently.It gives the person receiving services or an authorized representative greater control over how care is provided. Depending on the program, participants may be able to select their caregivers, help determine schedules and decide how approved funds are used to meet their individual needs.That caregiver might be someone the older adult already knows and trusts.In some situations, it can be an adult child, grandchild, spouse, other relative, friend or neighbor.For an older adult who wants to remain in familiar surroundings, receiving help from someone they already know can provide both practical assistance and peace of mind.Minnesota Programs Can Help Seniors Remain at HomeMinnesota offers several programs designed to help eligible older adults and people with disabilities receive services in their homes and communities rather than moving into institutional care.One important option is Consumer Directed Community Supports (CDCS).CDCS is available through certain Minnesota Home and Community-Based Services waiver programs. It allows participants to develop an individualized plan for using an approved budget to support their independence at home and in the community.For adults age 65 and older, CDCS may be available through programs such as Minnesota's Elderly Waiver (EW) and Alternative Care (AC) programs.Both EW and AC are designed for adults 65 and older who meet a nursing-home level of care but want to continue living in their homes and communities.Depending upon the individual's approved plan, services may include caregiving, homemaking, meals, respite, transportation, personal emergency response systems, chore services, certain home modifications and other supports.Most importantly for many families, CDCS may allow approved funds to be used to pay certain family members or other trusted individuals for caregiving.Could an Adult Child Be Paid to Care for a Parent?Potentially, yes.Under CDCS, approved caregivers can include adult children and grandchildren who provide care for an aging family member. Other trusted people, including friends and neighbors, may also be eligible to become paid caregivers.Spouses may also be able to provide paid caregiving under applicable self-directed programs, although specific rules depend on the program and circumstances.Another Minnesota program families may encounter is Community First Services and Supports (CFSS).CFSS is Minnesota's newer home-care program that is replacing Personal Care Assistance (PCA) and Consumer Support Grant (CSG) services as participants transition through their annual assessments.CFSS provides additional self-directed options, and under certain circumstances spouses can provide paid caregiving services.Because every person's eligibility and service plan are different, families should not assume that caregiving will automatically qualify for payment. An assessment and approved service plan are required.Why Paying Family Caregivers Can MatterFamily caregivers often provide an enormous amount of unpaid assistance.A daughter may reduce her hours at work so she can help her father several afternoons each week. A son may drive across town every morning to prepare breakfast and make sure medications are taken. A spouse may spend much of the day helping with dressing, bathing, meals and mobility.Families frequently do these things because they love the person they're caring for.But caregiving also has a financial impact.Work hours may be reduced. Careers can be interrupted. Transportation costs increase. Caregivers may find themselves balancing their own children, household responsibilities and finances while also caring for an aging parent.When an eligible program allows a family member to become a paid caregiver, it recognizes that caregiving is real work.It can also make it more realistic for a family to continue supporting a loved one at home.Where Does PICS Fit Into This?This is where PICS Partners in Community Supports can help.PICS is a Minnesota nonprofit organization and a subsidiary of Lutheran Social Service of Minnesota. It has provided self-directed care support to Minnesota individuals and families since 1999.PICS serves as a Financial Management Service (FMS) provider.That sounds complicated, but the idea is fairly simple.When a family chooses a self-directed program, someone still needs to handle the administrative and financial responsibilities associated with employing caregivers and using government-approved funds.PICS helps participants with responsibilities such as:Hiring and staffingProcessing caregiver payrollProcessing approved expense reimbursementsAccounting and financial reportingTax and revenue informationBudget trackingTraining and other employment-related requirementsInstead of families trying to figure out payroll, taxes, reporting requirements and reimbursement procedures themselves, PICS helps manage those details.That allows families to spend more time focused on what matters most supporting the person they love.Choice Can Be an Important Part of Aging in PlaceFor many older adults, remaining at home isn't simply about staying in a particular house.It's about maintaining independence, routine, dignity and connection to their community.Being able to choose who comes into the home can be especially important.Some seniors may be uncomfortable having an unfamiliar caregiver assist with personal tasks. Others may have language, cultural or communication preferences. And some simply feel safer receiving help from someone they've known for years.Self-directed services can give eligible individuals more control over these decisions.Instead of fitting the person into a predetermined care arrangement, the goal is to build supports around the person's individual needs.How Does a Minnesota Family Get Started?The first step is determining whether the person needing care qualifies for an applicable Minnesota program.For older adults, this may involve eligibility for Minnesota Medical Assistance and the Elderly Waiver or determining whether the individual qualifies for the Alternative Care program.An assessment is generally required to determine the person's needs and eligibility.Families can begin by contacting their county or Minnesota's Senior LinkAge Line to learn about available programs and the assessment process.If a self-directed program such as CDCS or CFSS is appropriate, the participant will work with the necessary care professionals to develop an approved service plan and select service providers.PICS can then help families navigate the financial-management side of self-directed services.Don't Assume Your Family Doesn't QualifyOne of the biggest mistakes families can make is assuming these programs aren't available to them.If you're already spending significant time caring for a parent, spouse or other loved one, it is worth asking what Minnesota programs may be available.You may discover options that help your loved one remain at home while providing additional support for the people who are already helping them.Every situation is different, and eligibility is never automatic. But asking the question is an important first step.Frequently Asked QuestionsCan I get paid to take care of my elderly parent in Minnesota?Possibly. Certain Minnesota self-directed programs may allow eligible family members, including adult children, to be paid for approved caregiving services. The person receiving care must qualify for the applicable program, and the services must be part of an approved plan.Can a senior choose his or her own caregiver?Self-directed programs are designed to give participants greater choice and control over their services. Depending on the program, participants may be able to select family members, friends or other trusted individuals as caregivers.Does PICS determine whether my parent qualifies for Medicaid or an Elderly Waiver?No. Program eligibility is determined through Minnesota's applicable state, county and assessment processes. PICS serves as a Financial Management Service provider for people participating in eligible self-directed programs.What does PICS do once a family is enrolled?Depending upon the program, PICS can assist with caregiver hiring and staffing, payroll, reimbursements, accounting, reporting, taxes, training and budget management.Where can families learn more?Minnesota families interested in self-directed care can contact their county, Senior LinkAge Line or appropriate care coordinator to learn about eligibility and available programs. Families can also contact PICS to learn more about the self-directed programs and Financial Management Services they support.More Choice. More Support. More Independence.Caring for an aging loved one can be rewarding, but it can also require an enormous commitment of time, energy and financial resources.Minnesota families may have more options than they realize.For eligible older adults, self-directed care can provide greater choice over who provides assistance and how approved services are delivered. For family caregivers, it may also create an opportunity to receive compensation for caregiving they are already providing.PICS Partners in Community Supports helps Minnesota families manage the financial and administrative details of self-directed care so they can focus on helping their loved ones live safely and independently at home.Learn more about PICS and explore resources for Minnesota seniors and caregivers through Seniors Blue Book. For more information contact us at 888.874.7427 or visit our website at https://pics.lssmn.org/
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