Have the Talk of a Lifetime

A simple checklist for making sure your obituary honors and informs.When a loved one has passed away, writing an obituary that honors their life can seem overwhelming. Dont worry - your obituary will honor their life simply by the act of you writing it. You want to celebrate your loved ones life and offer happy and enjoyable memories. You are helping to ease the pain of others simply by telling a story about your loved one.We hope that this checklist will take the stress and pressure off of you and allow you to honor your loved one. Remember, your funeral arranger is an experienced professional and is a valuable resource for writing the obituary.Include basic details about the persons lifeYou dont have to include all of this information, but here are the basics that are often included in an obituary. Choose the elements that are most relevant to your loved one: Age Any familial survivors Education Vocation When the person retired, if relevant Any military affiliations Any volunteer affiliations Include funeral informationFamily and friends often rely on an obituary for information on when and where a persons life will be celebrated, so your obituary will make it very simple for them to get that information (and will save you the hassle of having to answer lots of questions at a time when you would prefer not to be bothered with small details). You can include: Date and time of the funeral Place the funeral is being held Any viewing details Request for donations in lieu of flowers

The thought of public speaking throws many people into a panic. Add to that fear the common discomfort of discussing death, and it's easy to understand why the idea of delivering a eulogy can be disconcerting. If you've been asked to write a eulogy, take heart. This article will help you put your fears in perspective so you can deliver a loving eulogy."Why me?"You were probably asked to deliver a eulogy because of your close relationship to the deceased, and because the family trusts you to honor his or her memory on behalf of family and friends. The family doesn't want to make you feel uncomfortable, foolish or as though your grief is on display. It's an honor they've bestowed upon you. Helping others say goodbye may turn out to be a rewarding experience. Don't worry about making mistakes. A eulogy comes from the heart of the deliverer. I can't see how a mistake could be made as long as it is honest and true."I can't write."Don't let the thought of writing intimidate you. You don't have to be a novelist to move people. Everyone has a story to tell and that's your job as a eulogist. Tell people your story.In the book "A Labor of Love: How to Write a Eulogy," author Garry Schaeffer says a eulogy should convey the feelings and experiences of the person giving the eulogy, and should be written in an informal, conversational tone. Schaeffer dispels the misconceptions that a eulogy should objectively summarize the person's life or speak for all present. Sit down and write from the heart.Eulogists often write about the person's attributes, memories and common times that were shared together. Sometimes they include the deceased's favorite poems, book passages, scripture verses, quotes, expressions, lines from songs or items that were written by the deceased. Whatever is selected, it generally reflects the loved one's lifestyle.These questions should get you thinking: How did you and the deceased become close? Is there a humorous or touching event that represents the essence of your passed loved one? What did you and others love and admire about the deceased? What will you miss most about him or her? Some of the simplest thoughts are deeply touching and easy for those congregated to identify with. For example, "I'll miss her smile," or "I'll never forget the way he crinkled his nose when he laughed," are just as good as "I admired her selflessness.""I can't speak in front of people."It may not be easy, but you can do it. A funeral is one time you'll surely have a kind and empathetic audience. They feel for you and are on your side. You'll only have to speak for five to ten minutes, but your gift will live in the hearts of the deceased's family and friends.If you're worried about choking up or breaking down in the middle of your eulogy, you can take a moment to compose yourself, then carry on, as Schaeffer recommends, or you can have a back up person ready to step in. Give a copy of your eulogy to the minister or funeral director so that person can finish the eulogy if you're unable to continue.Tips Be honest and focus on the person's positive qualities Humor is acceptable if it fits the personality of the deceased. "If you are inclined to be a perfectionist, lower your expectations and just do what you can given the short time-frame and your emotional state," writes Schaeffer in "Labor of Love." Keep it brief. Five to ten minutes is the norm, but it's a good idea to verify that with the minister or funeral director. Leo Saguin recommends interviewing family and friends in his book "How to Write and Deliver a Loving Eulogy." Put the eulogy on paper - at least in outline form. Eulogy or Sharing Time?If you're planning the funeral, you might want to consider "sharing time" as an alternative to a eulogy. In sharing time, the people congregated pass a microphone or take turns standing up to share their thoughts. It's like a lot of mini eulogies and is more spontaneous.Links Offering Examples Mona Simpson, sister to Steve Jobs, delivered a heart wrenching eulogy that was posted in The New York Times on October 30, 2011 - Click here to read it in its entirety. Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher's eulogy for President Ronald Reagan was telecast at his services in 2005 as she remembered her friend. Click here to read it in its entirety. Books Offering Help, Examples and Inspiration Books Offering Help, Examples and Inspiration "The Book of Eulogies: A Collection of Memorial Tributes, Poetry, Essays, and Letters of Condolence" by Phyllis Theroux (editor) "How to Write and Deliver a Loving Eulogy" by Leo Seguin "Final Celebrations: A Guide for Personal and Family Funeral Planning" by Kathleen Sublette and Martin Flagg "In Memoriam: A Practical Guide to Planning a Memorial Service" by Amanda Bennett and Terence B. Foley "My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes and Conversations, Plus a Guide to Eulogies" by Florence Isaacs "Remembering Well: Rituals for Celebrating Life and Mourning Death" by Sarah York "Readings for Remembrance: A Collection for Funerals and Memorial Services" by Eleanor C. Munro (introduction) "Remembrances and Celebrations: A Book of Eulogies, Elegies, Letters, and Epitaphs" by Jill Werman Harris (editor)

What makes a funeral service memorable? Most often, it's the words that are spoken and the special people who say them. So when you gather with family members to plan a ceremony to help you celebrate the life of a loved one, it's wise to choose your speakers with care. There are several speaking roles to think about. Choosing the right person for each of these roles is important.Ceremony LeaderYou will need one person to take charge and oversee the ceremony. This person is responsible for starting and finishing the service, performing official duties within the ceremony, and coordinating all the activities in between. This person is called the officiant.If your loved one was involved in a religion, the clergy from his or her church may be the logical choice. If the person who died (the deceased) was not a member of a specific church, you can invite clergy from another church or an officiant with no church connection to perform a religious ceremony.Most clergy will follow an order of service dictated by their religious rules. This typically includes prayers, readings and blessings for the deceased and saddened family members.If a non-religious ceremony seems right, or family members are having trouble choosing the clergy, a professional funeral celebrant may be the solution. A celebrant will work with you to design a fully customized ceremony that can meet a variety of needs. Your funeral director can help arrange for an officiant.Guest Speaker or EulogistAnother important choice is the person or people who will write and deliver a speech a eulogy about the life of the person who has died. The speech is ideally given by someone who knew the person well enough to gather and share memories and highlights of his/her life.Sometimes the choice is obvious within the family. There is often one person who seems to be the unofficial family spokesperson. In other cases, the family needs to look further to find the right person to have the honor. Another family member, a lifelong friend or a trusted co-worker might have the perfect combination for the job a deep knowledge of the person who died and good writing and public speaking abilities. In some cases, the officiant, who may be a priest, minister, or professional celebrant, will give the eulogy.Many families choose to have more than one speaker to cover different aspects of their loved ones' life. One way to do this is to follow the main eulogy with a couple of shorter presentations; perhaps a grandson reading a letter or a daughter reading Mom's favorite poem. In all, no more than 30 minutes should be planned for the Eulogy part of the service.One last word of advice about eulogies: keep in mind that even though a family member may wish to speak at the funeral to help with the healing process, he or she may be too emotionally distressed to speak when the time comes. It's a good idea to have another speaker ready to step in and finish the speech if necessary.Reader(s)Many services include readings from the Bible or other sacred texts. These may be read by clergy or other guests. When planning the service, ask the clergy or celebrant whether guest readers are required or allowed. This could be a welcome honor for a family member or close friend who is not up to the task of writing or presenting a long speech. If you have guest readers, make sure they have the verses ahead of time in order to practice and double check any tricky words.Open MicrophoneIt has become popular to open the floor to allow guests to share additional memories with the group. While this practice can provide more information about the life of the deceased and create a deeper feeling of community, it's not without some risk. Clear time limits should be set and respected. The ceremony leader must be prepared to politely guide participants who speak too long, or the ceremony can start to drag.Final WordsThere are formal and informal rules, rites and traditions involved in almost any funeral or memorial ceremony. Especially if your service occurs in a place of worship, there will be guidelines to respect. Make sure you meet with the selected officiant ahead of time so you understand what to expect and have a chance to discuss any special requests.Most important, remember whose life you are celebrating. Their stated wishes, or your understanding of what they would prefer, should always guide your decisions.