10 Tips to Comfort a Loved One with a Terminal Illness

It is upsetting to imagine the end of a loved one’s life, especially if the diagnosis is still fresh. Below are several tips to help you provide care and comfort for them in their final days.

As you read, be kind to yourself as you navigate this difficult process and take your time to absorb the information at your own pace.

1. Help them process and accept the diagnosis.

Talking about death is difficult, but it’s crucial for both you and your loved one to process the diagnosis. Try to communicate openly about what your loved one is feeling and what they want to prioritize in their remaining days. You might consider involving a counselor or chaplain, as they can help guide these conversations.

According to the University of Texas MD Anderson Cancer Center, an important part of accepting a life-limiting diagnosis is to find joy in the final days.¹ Help your loved one appreciate the richness that still exists, embrace time with family, and continue enjoying their hobbies for as long as possible.

2. Be mindful of your word choice.

It’s natural to want to say something helpful or inspiring, but it’s crucial to be aware of the weight that your words can carry. Avoid words that might minimize their experience or convey false optimism. Rather, choose phrases that express love and support while acknowledging the gravity of the situation.

Comforting words for a terminally ill family member, according to The Denver Hospice, can look something like this:

• “I love you, always.”
• “You’re not alone; we’re in this together.”
• “Take all the time you need; I’ll be here.”
• “I’m thinking of you every day.”
• “If you want to talk, I’m all ears.”
• “You’re important to me, and I care about you deeply.”²

3. Talk to their doctor about what to expect.

It’s difficult to predict what will happen, but you’ll want to have a conversation with your loved one’s doctor about some possibilities so you can prepare yourself. According to Marie Curie, a UK hospice provider and charity organization, a person’s symptoms will depend on their illness, general health, and any treatments they’ve undergone.³ You might notice a change in their appetite, behavior, energy level, or appearance. This may be upsetting to consider, but keep in mind your loved one can receive palliative care at home or in a hospital setting to manage most of their symptoms.

4. Provide physical comfort.

Discomfort during the final days of life can be caused by a variety of sources. While it’s possible your loved one may not have any pain at all, depending on their diagnosis, they may experience symptoms like breathing problems, muscle or joint stiffness, skin irritation, or digestive issues. Be aware of signs of discomfort, such as trouble sleeping, increased agitation, or crying. To help them feel as comfortable as possible, try these suggestions from the National Institute on Aging (NIA):

• If they experience breathing discomfort, raise the head of their bed, open a window, use a humidifier, or turn on a fan.
• If they experience skin irritation, keep their lips, face, and skin clean and well-moisturized.
• If they are bedbound, help prevent bed sores and stiffness by turning the person in bed every few hours.
• If they lose their appetite, don’t force them to eat. Rather, you can try gently offering their favorite foods in small amounts.
• If they experience temperature sensitivity, monitor their body temperature and ensure they have plenty of blankets.
• If they experience fatigue, keep things simple. Respect their energy level, place a commode at their bedside, and consider sponge baths in bed rather than showers.
• If all else fails, talk to a healthcare professional about the best plans of action or the need to change any medications.⁴

5. Support their spiritual and emotional needs.

Toward the end of life, many people develop an existential search for meaning or reconciliation. According to the NIA, it can help to have family, friends, spiritual leaders, and other members of their social circle talk to them about the importance of their relationship, share fond memories, and attempt to resolve any disputes.⁴ If someone can’t visit, ask them to send a video or letter sharing their thoughts.

Emotional pain is very important to treat during this time. Your loved one may feel frightened and anxious about the unknown, or they may have specific fears or concerns. Consider contacting a counselor to provide an unbiased outlet for your loved one to discuss their feelings.

You can also try these methods to help moderate your loved one’s mental and emotional needs, as suggested by the NIA:

• Offer physical contact, like giving them hugs, holding their hand, or rubbing their back.
• Create a soothing environment. Dim the lights and limit the number of people surrounding them.
• Play soft music. Music at a low volume can help ease pain and promote relaxation.
• Involve your loved one. If your loved one is able to communicate, ask them what they need.
• Be present. Find time to visit them, read to them, or sit with them. The presence of friends and family can be the greatest gift you can give.⁴

6. Provide support for practical tasks.

Practical tasks, like daily chores and errands, might be a source of stress or worry for your loved one. Lend them a hand by taking care of simple tasks they can no longer do on their own, such as picking up their mail, doing their laundry, and caring for pets.

Additionally, you’ll want to consider legal and financial matters that may arise later down the road, including your loved one’s advance directives. You can contact your local Area Agency on Aging, the Veteran’s Affairs office, or a lawyer for guidance.

7. Include them in activities, if possible.

Family members sometimes withdraw when a loved one receives a terminal illness because they don’t know how to help or they need time to grieve. Alternatively, your loved one may feel the need to withdraw while they process the news. You can help make their final chapter count by involving them in activities and conversations as much as possible. If they’re able, bring them along to lunches with friends, take them to the park, and encourage family and friends to visit often. Even if their mobility becomes limited, regular visits are still important, if not more so.

8. Celebrate their life.

Together, explore what has given their life meaning and purpose over the years. Spend time reminiscing on their life pre-diagnosis, reminding them of how they’ve impacted certain people, their accomplishments, and places they’ve traveled. Help them cross items off their bucket list if they can, dig up cherished photo albums and home videos, and find joy in each day. Remember, they’re still living, and that’s worth celebrating.

9. Take care of yourself.

To take care of someone else, you will need to take care of yourself. Family caregivers can practice self-care by investing in friendships, practicing a positive inner voice, listening to music, and caring for their overall well-being. Additionally, it may be wise to call your primary care provider to make sure you’re in good enough condition to care for someone else. They may also be able to tell you what types of support are available if you need it. They may be able to receive support for palliative care or hospice care at home where their environment is comfortable and familiar.

10. Consider seeking additional help.

It takes strength to ask for help, but it’s often necessary. Remember, you’re not alone in this. If you’re caring for a loved one with a terminal illness, there are plenty of community resources available to you. At HomeWell, we help reduce that strain by providing meaningful in-home care services that work in tandem with your loved one’s existing healthcare services.

To learn more and find help, schedule a consultation with HomeWell today. If you’re interested in more tips about family caregiving, be sure to check out our downloadable Trusted Tips and Guides. Here, you can access a wide range of helpful insights about caring for your aging loved one’s health, quality of life, and more.

Sources

1. 7 ways to support a loved one with terminal cancer | MD Anderson Cancer Center
2. What to Say When Someone is Dying: Comforting Words & Gestures (thedenverhospice.org)
3. What to expect in the last weeks of life before dying (mariecurie.org.uk)
4. Providing Care and Comfort at the End of Life | National Institute on Aging (nih.gov)