Stress-Free Holidays: Essential Tips for Family Caregivers
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Dec 08, 2024
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Stress-Free Holidays: Essential
Tips for Family Caregivers
Here you are, a caregiver on call
24/7 for someone you love, and suddenly it’s holiday time. You start thinking
about inviting relatives, ordering the turkey, and getting out the holiday
decorations. But wait a minute. Before your holiday autopilot kicks in, step
back and look at where you are.
“The first thing you have to
acknowledge is that things are different now,” says Barbara Abramowitz,
Massachusetts-based psychotherapist and herself a longtime caregiver. Maybe
it’s time to rethink the holidays.
“Don’t be bound by traditions.
Give yourself permission to change things up. It can be liberating.”
“We get caught up in expectations
and what other people are going to think of us,” Abramowitz told me. “Be bold.
Ask yourself, What do I want to keep, and what do I want to let go of? Give
yourself time to think about what’s really important about the holidays.”
Do You Have to Deck the Halls?
Maybe you don’t have to decorate
every square inch of your home this year. Martha Shapiro, director of programs
for Senior Concerns, which supports seniors and family caregivers in Southern
California, says, “Think outside the box. Don’t be bound by traditions. Give
yourself permission to change things up this holiday season. It can be
liberating.”
That big family gathering? How
about paring down the guest list this year? (Aunt Helen will just have to
understand.) Pare down the menu, too. (Do you absolutely have to have mashed
potatoes as well as sweet potatoes?)
Bring in food from a good
supermarket or a favorite restaurant, or make it a potluck this time; it’s a
good way to give those reluctant siblings some way to help you out.
One family moved to Chanukah in
May when the airports would be less congested and the weather would be better.
Even if the holiday meal has
always been at your house, this might be the year to ask another family member
to host. Easiest of all, if it works for your budget (or your sister’s budget),
hold the dinner at a hotel. The holiday decor, the giant buffet — not to
say the prep and the cleanup — are all on them.
Time-Shifting
and Place-Shifting Tips
Who says that everything has to be
done in December? Send New Year’s greetings instead of the usual holiday cards
— in January.
No one loves traveling on the
holidays. One family moved to Chanukah in May when the airports would be less
congested and the weather would be better. You can even move — or extend — the
holiday itself. If it’s tough to get everyone to the same place on the same
day, consider visiting with your person a day before or after.
Beth Williams, who directed
programs for the Alzheimer’s Association in nineteen counties in Georgia and is
a former professor of gerontology, has counseled countless caregivers on how to
manage the holidays. “If (the person you care for) has lost the concept of
time,” she says, “just celebrate.”
So Christmas could be December 24
or December 26. Think of it as a holiday helper — you get to extend the holiday
over more than one day, it takes some pressure off and you still get to
celebrate.
You could try place-shifting as
well. One Massachusetts family ditched December in New Jersey, which was hard
for the extended family to get to, opting instead for a July celebration in
Rhode Island.
Or go virtual. Covid taught us how
to do all kinds of family get-togethers over Zoom. Many senior care facilities
have tech folks who can help. Or ask one of the grandkids to go to Nana’s place
and set up the holiday Zoom call.
Don’t
Forget the Comfort and Joy for Yourself
No question that you’re under
stress as a caregiver. Everyone keeps telling you to make time for self-care,
but it’s harder now than ever. So sneak it in. Seriously.
Breathe. Or stare at the sky or
your garden and reconnect with your senses and soul.
According to Abramowitz, “The
respite doesn’t have to be in big chunks. It can be in the moment. Pause in the
transitions between activities. In the car, take a moment before heading to
your destination. Breathe. Take time between appointments. Breathe. Or stare at
the sky or your garden and reconnect with your senses and soul. Breathe.”
While shopping for gifts at the
mall, find a coffee shop, sit down and treat yourself to one of those
only-at-the-holidays specialty drinks. And when you go to the Post Office to
mail off the presents, look at the revolving gift card kiosk. They’ve got cards
from retailers and restaurants, movie theaters, online stores and more. Prices
can be as low as $10 or $20.
Treat
Yourself to Your Holiday Gift
For delayed gratification, book a
massage for January or February (check out local massage franchises, health
clubs, spas and massage schools). You deserve it.
Dr. Karen Midyet, a clinical
psychologist in Fort Collins, Colorado, whose coaching practice includes many
older caregivers, knows how critical self-care is. “I tell them, hire somebody
to come in so you can leave for a few hours.”
“Sometimes,” she adds, “you can
just do something as simple as sitting outside in the sun for one minute,
taking a short walk with the dog. A short walk is better than no walk.”
For some extra help during the
holidays, Shapiro suggests looking into the senior centers in your area (search
on “senior centers near me” and “adult day care near me”). Many of them offer
unique programs and caregiver support groups during holiday times.
Several states offer free respite
care services. Check out the Family Caregiver Alliance for details on
respite programs, state by state. The National Adult Day Services Association
has an interactive “Find a Center” map for daycare facilities nationwide. Respite
care for veterans and their caregivers is also available through the US
Department of Veterans Affairs.
All
Dad Wants For Christmas is You
Your first impulse may be to bring
Mom or Dad home for a family gathering. “But if your person is in a care
facility,” Shapiro points out, “it may be more detrimental to bring them to
your house and bring them back.”
For a lot of people with dementia,
the back-and-forth causes stress. Big gatherings and blinking Christmas lights
may also be overwhelming. So bring a quiet celebration to them or join in
whatever holiday event the care facility offers.
Bring your person’s favorite
holiday food, get a stack of holiday cards to look through, show photos of the
family in their red-and-green elf caps, or FaceTime with the grandchildren.
“If you want your person to enjoy
the holiday, it has to be meaningful to them.”
“If you want your person to enjoy
the holiday, it has to be meaningful to them,” says Williams. “Keep the
tradition of celebrating; just shift the focus.”
If you’re taking Mom to someone’s
party, consider what she needs. “Have a quick meal,” Williams advises. “Just
stay for an hour.”
The key, says Shapiro, is to plan.
“Set things up for success. If you’re going to someone’s house, make sure there
is a chair they can get in and out of, a quiet room they can retreat to.”
“You need to find a way to make it
comfortable and realistic. If your loved one has dementia, they can still
engage in reminiscing. Use that to your advantage,” she says. “When the family
gets together, ask what was the favorite part of this holiday for each of us.
Have an intergenerational table and design questions so the older people can
impart their memories.”
Shapiro adds, “With dementia you
have to slow everybody down. Tell them that after dinner, we’re all going to
sit on a couch and listen to some stories.”
Holidays often involve religious
observances, but extended services and large crowds may not work this year. “Do
you have to go to church for the big gathering?” Williams asks caregivers. “Try
Saturday evening instead. You could call Father So-and-so and ask, ‘Can we come
as a small group, and could you give us a sermon and Communion?'”
Jim Sherblom, a social impact
investor and former Unitarian Universalist minister in Brookline,
Massachusetts, encouraged innovative ways to mark the holidays. Especially if
it was difficult for his congregants to get to church, he would invite them
over to his house, and they would walk together in the nearby woods.
These days many religious groups
live stream their services. “All Dad wanted for Christmas was church,” one
caregiver told me. “So we watched the holiday service on his iPad, and it
worked just fine.” Ask your person what they’d like to do for the holidays — it
may surprise you.
Leave day-to-day activities
behind, put on your fancy clothes (or that once-a-year Christmas sweater), and
share some moments. Focus on that. Stick to what’s doable — and enjoyable — for
you and meaningful for your person.
Reminiscing may be the best way to
enrich your person’s day. “Play the music that moves them,” says Williams.
“Maybe it’s just the same five oldies. That’s okay. Run old family movies on a
loop.” Or maybe it’s playing a game together, laughing, watching a football
game.”
“Holidays are an opportunity to
create new rituals,” Abramowitz reminds us. “We get to remake the holidays. We
get to create what we want.”
You never know — this could be the
last holiday with your person. “Take a lot of photos,” says Shapiro, adding,
“take mental photos. Say to yourself, I will capture this and remember this
moment.”
Whatever you create, whether you
trim the tree or trim down the festivities, the holidays are still a unique
time to build new memories and savor the simple joy of being with people you
love.
Writer: Connie Baher – This article
originally published on nextavenue.org
___________
SYNERGY HomeCare offers no obligation home assessments. Contact Synergy HomeCare of Daphne at 251-621-1900 to learn how we can provide additional support to you and your loved ones.
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